Can I have some Arsenic on my Steak?

There I was, standing in the back of the chapel looking at the casket.  I could see that what was once  my mother lying peaceably.  I had already told myself that I would not be approaching to get a close-up view.  I did not need to be any closer than I was.

I knew that in some way I was justifying to myself all of the reasons there were to stay back.  – I wanted to remember her in the way that I was accustomed to seeing her when she was alive.  – I knew that if I got too close I would break down with emotion and I was just not prepared to do that at this time.  – I was secretly afraid of death and all that it stood for.  And I am sure a half-dozen other reasons.  All of which I believed in my heart to be valid and in some way were.  But the more I think about it the more I realize that it came down to one simple thing: forgiveness.

It is one of the easiest things to do.  It is one of the hardest things to do.  And anyone who tells you either of those two statements is either lying to themselves or to you.  Forgiveness is a gift.  Some people were born with it in their hearts, others can cultivate through their life’s experiences, and some do it out of necessity or duty.  So for some people it is difficult, for some it is easy, but for everyone it is different.

I wish I could tell you that I was the good son.  The one with the Gift of forgiveness, but I am not and I came upon it honestly.

All my justifications were invalid.  The real reason that I pose is that I just haven’t forgiven my mother.  And the thing is, I was prepared to do so.  But when it became evident to me that my mother had not received that gift, I didn’t see the need to pass it on.  Calloused?  Perhaps.

I know what forgiveness is and who it truly benefits.  So what it really comes down to is that I haven’t forgiven myself.  It was not until Father Jim was less than eloquently telling a story to illustrate a point that I realized goodness, forgiveness, love, and compassion were also gifts.  And they are unaccompanied gifts.

Here is my metaphor of explanation:  If you serve a delicious steak, but sprinkle it with arsenic, the steak will kill you.

If you say you are good, forgiving, loving, or compassionate, but you are filled with bitterness and complaints, all the best of you is null and void. 

Forgiveness has to come without stipulation.