All About The Benjamin

I tend to tip-toe around things when it comes to writing blogs.  It’s not done to with any intention to be dishonest or to hide details for the sake of being secretive, but rather to avoid incurring wrath.  For you see when you place too many details in a story or in an explosion of emotional lava, there is always another side to the truth.

And when dealing with the pain and sadness of a relationship ending that truth can often be skewed to garner support or to make me come across as the good guy.  But what if rather than there being a need to be seen as good there was just a sense of sometimes things just end.

When I am on the outside of a relationship and am asked to look in, not as a judge would, but rather as a friend to both parties, I can sometimes sense the strength of that relationship based on social cues, conversations, and how they treat each other.  As well as how the two personalities fit into each other’s space.  And for the most part, I think that emotionally intelligent people do the same. 

I have a friend that recently has gone through a separation and upon looking at his relationship and using my senses I came to the conclusion that this guy was in the wrong relationship for his personality.  Even being around him and his wife was a very toxic experience.  There was little or no symbiosis.  There was a kind and gentle flow from one end and a toxic sludge on the other.   And I, along with others have noticed this and even tended to shy away from couple gatherings because of it.  And for me, someone who is empathic (with little or no conscious control), tends to feel way too much of the negative emotion from a situation like that.

The reason I even share that information is that when people talk about my relationship to me or to my wife, there is generally the sense that people love to be around us. That we are the “perfect couple.”  We are “good” people.  And for the most part, I would agree with that assessment.  Are we perfect?  No.   Do we have individual and couple issues?  Of course, but as people we are good people.  I would never want anyone to think any different, especially about my spouse, but being good people cannot solely sustain a relationship.  Some of the issues can be tough enough in the best of unions to wear you down.  And over time can sever the bond that two people have with each other.

Case in point, what is one of the biggest issues in a relationship that often causes the most tension?  Money.  If one partner doesn’t place the same importance on it as the other, then it will become an underlying reason for the demise of that relationship.  And no matter how the ebb and flow of money weaves through the tenure of that relationship, it is ultimately the degree of importance each places on it that will determine the outcome.

I have not been about the amassing of large sums of money.  Would I like to be rich?  Well, my mind says yes, but my actions say it’s not really that important.  And my wife would love to be rich and for the most part her actions tend towards the desire to be rich.  She has in place practices that would greatly benefit a person of means.  Together, however, we have not built a fortune.  Not even a small amount that people our age generally have at this point in our lives.  And this can be stressful, even when two good people are involved.  And when I look at this to evaluate it, I can see that it falls more to my part.  Universally you cannot have two magnets turned back to back and hold them together.  The will push apart, or one will turn and they will quickly snap together.  They are still magnets, they share the same characteristics, but when the direction they are going is not aligned they cannot build a strong foundation.

Now none of this will make a couple look like a ‘bad’ couple to friends. Unless the couple make it a part of their everyday discourse with the people they meet and share time as friends.  Because how I feel about money does not make me a bad person.  But it might make me a bad fit for certain relationships.  And unless I have a sudden flip of polarity and snap to the other magnet, it will eventually be the wedge that drives us apart.

I am not saying that money is the main, or only, reason that I am now separating myself from my marriage, but it is certainly a large part of what separates us.  And it has become more evident over the last few months. 

If I had the time, and the desire, I am sure that I could delve deeper into the reasons, surface and root, and dissect the entire relationship.  But for you it will not likely be a helpful tool.  It will merely change the way you think about us as individuals.  And there is no benefit to that.  Doing that would cause sides to form.  And all ‘sides’ are is an opportunity for people to express their magnetism to one or the other, when what I would like you to walk away with is a sense that two amazing people with amazing hearts sometimes don’t make it.  And right now…this moment…I don’t think that even those two people recognize it.