The Lion's Share

I am beginning to believe that nobody sees their actions in the true light.

As I come upon the end of a long relationship, it is becoming ever so clear that the reason that two people pull away is not the result of one person being completely intolerable, but rather a lack of reason between them.  And this is not to say that either one is unreasonable.  What it is, is the inability to comprehend the other’s position or point of view. 

After several arguments this past week and being named as the “shitty’ person in the way I approached the ending of the relationship, it has become clear that nothing that I say or do will ever convince her that one person having feelings for another is not enough to sustain the relationship.  Feelings need to translate to actions.  For example you cannot tell someone that you love them and tell them you want it to “work” and then expect the other person to do all the work. Conversely you cannot also tell someone you love them and then do all the work yourself.

But as I have had these several ‘conversations’ there is the usual back and forth that has painted our years together.  Same brush, same paint, same strokes.  There is literally layer upon layer of accusations on both sides that have dominated the conversations over what has been more than a decade.  And the more insidious part is that each of us claim to remember the exact unfolding of every event that marked a milestone of deep seated resentment.  When in fact stories change, alternative facts replace actual facts and both parties claim to have a handle on the true events.

And this is not even considering the differing definitions of what “LOVE” means.  We have both used that word thousands of times and I don’t think either of us was using the same definition.  Because even when using the word it was supported by issues of control, resentment, distrust, mis-communications, literal versus figurative translations, and just a basic difference in what we each define as love.  There are as many definitions as there are practical applications.  And while we each professed our love, what each of us was receiving did not resonate.  For one, doing ‘things’ (acts of goodness or kindness) was not a showing of love, and for the other, guiding hands and teachable moments fell flat.

I will say that there have been many joyous occasions in the past 12 years, and those I would not trade for love nor money, but the hardest times and the times that we were both “out of sync” with each other made the joyous times arrive at lesser intervals.

I was recently re-reading some of the early communications that we shared and noticed that I no longer recognize either of those people in the emails.  More so me than her.  She is fairly consistent with her words and desires, or at least it seems so, but the actual memories of the real life interactions don’t hold the same feelings as the words in print.  And there are far fewer references to actual events and more responses to a particular moment or infraction.  Yet I see the word “Love” used over and over again.  And what really tears me up is the fact that I am now questioning my integrity from so long ago.  Was that how I felt?  Was it really me?  Or was it someone that I wanted to be, or someone that I was trying to be.  The One thing that I do recognize is that it moved way too quickly.  It was a matter of a few weeks from the moment we met in person to where we were professing our love.  In fact in less time than that we were hinting of it.

From these early emails I can also see that there were trouble signs early that I think we chose to ignore.  I see that I was willfully unprepared to be in a new, full-time relationship.  I was still dealing with so many issues of my own that it could not help but carry over into another relationship.  I cannot look back and realistically lay any of the blame for the failure on anyone else but myself.  I was not ready, and instead of taking a step back and evaluating the situation, I fell face forward into it.  I have always been ruled by emotion and not by rationale.  A trait that has resounding consequences if not watched carefully.

But I seem to have gotten off the point.  The point being is that I believe both of us overlooked some important factors early on in the development of the relationship that had they been studied and heeded, we may not have gone forward.  But now, near the end, the hurt, pain, anger, and frustration is exacerbated.  And while one held out hope, the other was hopeless. 

It is truly a sad state of affairs, and even though I have tried to convince her that at some point she will be much better off without me, for now I do not think she can see the truth in it.

I guess that I have to be okay with being the ‘bad guy!’  I have to suck it up and realize that ultimately it is me who has changed, or perhaps reverted.  Not that I am taking the whole weight of the state of things on my own shoulders, but I certainly bear the lions share.