Closing time.

One is not always prepared for change even if they themselves instigate the change.  But the truth is that once you start down a path of dogged determination…you have to follow it through!

Okay, so I was being way too general and putting the responsibility on others by using terms like “one is…” and “they themselves” and “you.”  When I really mean to say I was not prepared, even though I instigated it, and I have to follow it through.

For years now I have been untrue to myself.  I have been making a bed that I reluctantly laid in and made no efforts to change it for the better.  I went along, did the opposite of what my heart was telling me to do, and in the process made life miserable for me and for my wife.  But the time has come to make a decision that, quite frankly, is void of emotion.  Not that I don’t have any emotions where this is concerned, but am rather full up with them, but the emotions have been what has stopped me from moving forward.

In my heart of hearts I believe that I have been responsible for the lack of success that either my wife, Cynthia, or I have had over the past 12 years.  When I met Cynthia she was a successful business person that was heading in a good direction for her life, and instantly upon my arrival that began to change.  And I believe the reason for that is my inability to communicate with her on her level.  And conversely, I left any desires or ambitions that I had at the front door.

Now that doesn’t mean that I didn’t have some success over time.  I ended up with a good paying radio gig, but when the pressure was applied, I gave into the pressure.  I wasn’t strong enough, secure enough, or committed enough to my own success, to do what I thought was right and so I went along.

It is a pattern of behavior that I have become all too familiar with over my lifetime.  Not just in this relationship, but in all my important relationships.  I bought into the idea that it was good to “go with the flow” and good things would happen.  And in some respects they did.  I have had some really good things cross my path, and have had some great opportunities, but they were all brought about by my doing the opposite of what my heart told me was best for me.

So I began to wonder what would happen if I decided to follow my heart instead of my mind?  Well that is an interesting concept.  I know a lot of people that have done that over time and they seem to be happy people.  So hell, why not give it a try.

Now many people will not understand the situation, and some will call it a mid-life crisis, but it is far from that.  And as far as understanding, it is not up to others to understand what I am doing.  It is only up to me to know that I am doing what is right for me.  And people that know me can be supportive, or they can just go away.

Now when it comes to personal stuff, I am not a big proponent of sharing.  I like to keep my personal life private, but sometimes I just need to blurt out my mistakes.  Now usually it is to one person and not a crowd, but I feel pretty sure that this blog will not reach the audience in masses.

For several years now we have been struggling with our relationship.  Now from the outside looking in we seemed like the perfect couple to most.  In fact we often heard that from friends.  And while we have had many good times and great moments, there were also dark times, sadness, anger, and pain.  And more so in the last couple of years.  I resented having to move (but I did it), I resented moving again (but I did it), and I resented moving again (but I did it again).  And make no mistake!  I was at choice in each of these moves.  There is no blame to be put on anyone else but me.  But this resentment over moving was also flowing over into every aspect of the relationship between Cynthia and me.  So much so that intimacy was a thing of the past.  Conversations were shallow and protective.  And I began to feel myself pull back, even more than I had in previous years.

Upon arrival in Nashville I believe that we both had realized that there was nothing left.  Now we still claim to love one another, but it was not like before.  In fact, Cynthia even recently commented to me that she believed the move to Nashville would ultimately end our relationship.  And it seems as though that prophecy is being fulfilled.

For some time now we have been living in the same house, but in different rooms.  Separated, but not financially solvent enough for either of us to branch out on our own.  Cynthia is working on building her Real Estate Business, and I am awaiting a move to a new position with my work, but it has been hampered by FCC delays.  So we have both been under a great deal of stress trying to cohabitate with strong feelings about the demise of the relationship tucked just under the cuffs of our sleeves.

In addition there have been some trust issues with us in the past and several times not Cynthia has asked me if I had “other interests.”  Meaning was there another woman or women with whom I was communicating?  Well the simple answer is no.  In fact I told her that I had no desire to date anyone, have sex with anyone or establish a relationship with any one new.

But here is the thing.  One night, dark and alone in my room, my mind began to wonder if there was anyone out there with whom I could be friends?  And JUST friends.  Someone to have a cup of coffee with.  So alone in the room I downloaded the Tinder app.  I had it on my phone for about 3 days total and had one conversation.  And then I realized that this was crazy.  This wasn’t me.  It wasn’t fulfilling any need in me.  So I deleted my account and let that part of me go. 

Strangely enough though is that almost two weeks later (in this town of a million plus) Cynthia gets a phone call from someone who had seen me on Tinder.  And it was very embarrassing for her…which I completely understand.  And when I explained to her like I just did above, it did not seem to help.  But it was true.  I was no more interested in meeting some strange person for coffee than I was with having coffee with some established friends.  (sorry to any friends who may read this…it’s not that I wouldn’t have coffee with you it’s just that I am in a very funky place and it would not be a good time for you!)

So I was encouraged to file for divorce and move this thing along.  So be it.

I never imagined myself in this position again, but here I am.  And the worst part is that it is causing someone I care about a lot of pain.  To which I can only hope that one day she will see it as the perfect thing and a true blessing.  Like the song says:

Closing time 
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end!