Leaving...

What was the most difficult thing you have ever had to do?  Something that you knew was the right thing to do, but during the course of manifesting, there were times when you questioned your ability to make sound decisions.  For me?  It’s leaving.

Leaving is not something that I am particularly good at.  In 56 years I have done it 3 times in relationships, a half dozen times in jobs and a handful of times from a particular state.  As in North Carolina, Tennessee, Arizona, etc.  But, if I think about it, it has not really been something for which I can say that I have made a profession.  I AM an amateur!

In just over a day I will be making another such move.  One that encompasses all of the aforementioned methods, or types, of leaving.  Relationship, Job, and State.

The Job was a no-brainer.  More money, more responsibility, better long term investment of my time.  Then the State.  Less easy, since I have wanted to come back to Nashville for years, but as I sit here, day to day, I realize that neither Nashville nor I am the same.  I just don’t get the same things from this wonderful town that I got many a year ago.  And the third, and most difficult thing is the relationship.

For the past 9 years I have been married to a wonderful lady.  Together for over 12.  But somewhere over the past 4+ years I have lost the joy for the relationship.  And in some ways, and not intentionally trying to speak for another, I believe she has too.  Now in public, we were the perfect couple.  People could see that we were happy, in love, and had a zest for life.  And I guess that was in part true, and in part what we wanted to portray.  However, under the surface was a storm that was brewing.  Lack of adequate communications, personal ideals, stubbornness, and lack of understanding of what Love was to the other, made daily life difficult.  Blame and constant disagreements of what our agreements were was, for the most part, a daily part of life.

And then one day it happened.  I snapped.  I came to the brutal and abrupt conclusion that I have had enough of trying to be someone that I wasn’t.  Because, it was the person that I was, trying to get out, that caused all of the problems for me.  Had I been able to be the person that I was trying to portray, then I would have been in a remarkable situation.

Now please understand that everything I am writing here is merely from one perspective.  It is my own account of my situation and that there is a whole other side of it.  And in all honesty I have tried to understand that perspective.  But when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it, we just did not see eye to eye on various and sundry things.  I understood her position, and honor her position, but could not gravitate towards it in a manner that would bring her the joy she sought.

Admittedly there have been a lot of misunderstandings over the years.  But they were never adequately dealt with and therefore became part of the huge wall that was being built between us.  And then suddenly the wall was so high (at least on my side), that I could not scale it, see over it, or walk far enough to get around it.  Nor could I blow it up, because it was so sturdily built.

And now as the hour nears for me to depart all of that seems inconsequential.  For days we have both been in and out of emotional breaks.  One of us will take one and then soon after the other will.  And sometimes they happen at the same time.  But I have decided that my initial reasoning for leaving is just as valid for me as the day I formulated it.

I have been watching and assessing our situation for many years and decided that the main reason that my wife had not been happy had only one common factor.  ME.  So my only way to ensure that she had some chance at a happy life was to remove myself from the equation.  Now that does not mean that do not also benefit from this decision, but I too have not been at my happiest during this time.  So I now move forward believing that this is a win for both of us, even though neither of us knows how.

I am certain that there will be plenty of tears, some hugs, and many regrets, but hopefully that will soon turn to inner peace, love, and understanding.  Because when you love someone it is peace, love, and understanding that you desire for them.  And that has not changed.