No reminiscing...

I woke up this morning from a dream.  I usually wake up that way.  More often than not it is a dream that spirits me awake.  Sometimes it's a good dream, and sometimes it's a dream that I wish I didn't have.  But this morning it was not the dream that stirred me.  It was my mind.  I awoke beside the woman that I had no idea existed.  Never thought that I had the luck to bring someone so wonderful into my life.  Okay, let me take that back.  I always knew that it was possible, but I never had the patience to wait out a relationship to see if it was actually going to work.

And here is why.  I have spent my entire adult live reliving the past.  Thinking about what might have been instead of letting go and focusing on the future that lie ahead.  It was not until the finality of my previous marriage did i realize that failure in the present actually came from not being "present."  For had I been an active participant in my own life, I would have made different choices.  And at the same time I find that I cannot belittle those choices, because, well, here I am.

Spending a lifetime with "what ifs" and "if only's" is counterproductive.  But practicing what you know is not always as easy as burying your head in what might have been.

I have always been a "go with the flow" kind of guy.  I never had a long list of needs and wants that i had to accomplish this lifetime, I just wanted to live life happily, and even though my circumstances were not always optimal, I personally was happy.  I would take the hard moments for what they were and move ahead.  Sometimes slowly and sometimes full speed ahead.

The only thing that I did know was that there was an emptiness that sometimes crept in when I was missing love in my life.  Love, that I learned, did not come from being with someone, but rather came from within me.  And when I finally figured that out, the emptiness went away.  It was also the time when the one that shares my life with me showed up.  I wasn't looking for it, per se, but there it was.  perfect in all imperfections.

It was when I put to bed the reminiscing of what I thought my life would be, and focused on where I was at the moment that things started manifesting.  And to an abundance.

Thankful, Grateful, Blessed.

Democracy in Peril?

The issue is moral character, not political ideology.  I can respect a person for their beliefs and their political leanings in whatever direction that might be, but I cannot condone a behavior which at its core is corrupt and based in moral turpitude.  Whether it was Kennedy, Nixon, Clinton, or currently Trump, the idea that we can let behavior go unchecked because of low unemployment or a thriving economy is just insane.  The economy often moves forward regardless of the character of a person in the Oval office, because we can no more credit the good times to one person than we can blame the bad times on one person.

Today our democracy is in peril and it is so because of the focus on both sides to do what is convenient for “self” rather than what is good for America.  While the efforts of both sides doubles down it is the American People that suffer.  Nothing of significance is being accomplished in Washington nor is it likely to change.

Even these words are useless in provoking change.  They merely act as foot stomping against a concrete surface.  There is no ripple effect.  The best I can do is throw my hands up in frustration and hope that a larger, more formidable entity will see my desperation.

A few thoughts on Love

One of the things that I am learning as a human being is the compassionate part of friendship.  More specifically, how important friendship is in the development of a lasting, loving, intimate relationship.  By no means do I pretend to have all the answers, in fact I have very few answers for the rest of the world, but what I recognize is that while some answers can be applied to all relationship situations, some answers are so personal that they can only speak to the soul seeking them.  The old saying 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' is not applicable in every instance.

I have been learning that just because you love someone does not require them to love you back. And that you can freely give love expecting nothing in return.  (Ok, for you old souls I am stomping all over your 'we already know that' attitude)  Now this does not change my philosophy on relationships.  I still believe that for love to exist in a committed, intimate relationship that both parties have to share the same belief of what love means.

For example, if you really think that you are in love with someone and they are not reciprocating the love yet you find yourself constantly trying to convince them of your love, that is not a healthy love, nor would I even consider it love (but that's just me, your opinion might differ).  It is infatuation, obsession, or some other form of mania.  The idea of someone insisting on using the biggest hammer they have to drive a square peg into a round hole is ludicrous.  You don't have to force fit something that is right.  And along those same lines, if you are needing the person, that you say you love, to make all sorts of changes to fit in your perspective of what love is then you are wasting precious life on something that will never work for you.  The energy would be better spent on walking away and doing some more searching...spiritually and physically.

So back to giving love expecting nothing in return.  If you truly love someone, you are going to want the best for them.  But it is not up to you to decide what that "best" is.  It is only up to you to love and support that person.  Now, of course, I am talking about a healthy adult relationship.  Obviously if someone you love is making choices that will harm them physically you have a responsibility to get them help, but if it is a decision that takes them away from you and towards something else, you have to let that happen.  No amount of cradling or codependency will ever make that person feel comfortable in your relationship.  It is only the release and reassurance that your love is not confining, but rather freeing.  A person at choice is apt to make much better decisions for their own life than one that feels trapped or is guilt(ed) into being in a relationship.

Now how this becomes difficult in relationships is that you still want to express your love for them while letting them know that you will still love them no matter which direction they choose for their lives.  In my own life this has been a wonderfully freeing process.  Knowing that you can love someone so deeply that you can be completely unselfish for the choices they make. Well, I am still human, and I digress a little from time to time and the selfish man tries to sneak by me, because after all we all have needs and desires. But I know in my heart of hearts that I am wanting the best for people in my life.  So here is the crux of the problem.  People are not generally wired for someone who wants to love them and yet will let them go.  It is not the reality that fairy tales are made of.  We are programmed to believe that someone who loves us does it for selfish reasons.  What can they get from me?  Or it may feel like an obsession to them.  It is in the convincing that the biggest concerns come forward.  Too much reassurance and it sounds like a manipulation to them, too little shows a lack of commitment and they may question if it is truly love or if you are simply pandering. 

There is no 'one' answer to that.  Because there is no one 'type' of person.  It all comes down to understanding someone so deeply that you know how to support their needs.  And it also comes down to trust.  Do they trust you?  Have you proven your relationship integrity to the point where they know that they are safe with you?  Because if you tell someone something you better back it up with actions that match your words. Or fail.

In developing that long-term, trusting, intimate, loving relationship, be patient above all else.  Be understanding to a fault, and if you must share your feelings of love don't let them overshadow your desire for their happiness.  If you really love someone their happiness should also bring you happiness.  It's a tough thing to manifest.  It takes time, a little brain retrain, and back to that other word: Patience.

Do not ever consider NOT loving because you do not think you will get what you need in return.  Champion love.  Be that hopeless romantic but toss the petals of the flower to the wind and let fate blow them in the direction they are destined to go.

Dusty Drawers

It comes and goes in spurts. Some days I feel as though I could write forever with plenty to say. Other days there is nothing but dust in the drawers! Dusty day today! I woke up at 2:30 this morning and instead of rolling over and burying my head in the pillow I succumbed to the little green flashing light. Yes, I picked up my phone and took a look at what was "the Most Important thing in my life!" As it turned out there wasn't anything too exciting going on other that my circadian rhythm was now fricked up. The one message that appeared on the screen was over 4 hours old and could have been another 3 or 4 hours older and not made one bit of difference. Of course I did not know this, but I should have. There are only 2 types of messages that hold extreme importance to me...My biological family and my adopted family. If you are not in either of those groups then I am sorry but your text can wait.  Barring any life threatening emergency I knew that it was not likely to be family, otherwise the phone would have actually rung.  On the adopted side of things there are only a handful of people that I would respond to at that hour.  LH, LHB, DS, RH, DJL.  And maybe one or two more that I cannot recall at this very tired moment.  But I usually know when texts from the adopted family are coming.  Call it a sense, wisdom, witching, a connection, whatever word you choose to ascribe to it.

So why not just sleep?  I have no idea.  Maybe it's just stuff on my mind that is imbedded deeper than my conscious will allow me to access.  I have tried meditating.  Occasionally focused breathing will work, but in the long run it comes down to unconsciously grabbing my cell phone and watching whatever videos pop up on my facebook screen.  Thankfully there is nothing hardcore there to further destroy my slumber!  I mean who needs "that" at 2:30?  On the other hand (pardon the inexcusable pun) were "I" someone's blinking green light and some tactile interaction were proposed...Sleep be damned!

I look forward to that early morning wake up call!

Dusty is right.

Give me your guns?

This will probably cause a rift on both sides of the fence.  And it is not because I do not know which side to sit on, but because I understand the duality of the problem.  I have to start off with “I own a gun!”  That’s right!  I own a gun.  I don’t have it for the purpose of home protection, I don’t have it to carry with me underneath my shirt in case I am involved in a situation that requires me defending myself or others, and I do not have it for the purpose of robbing someone or causing a situation that will require the police taking my life to save others.  Nope, none of those reasons.  I have one because it is fun to go to the range and fire off rounds into a target.  It is a personal competition to see how good I can shoot and how I can improve on my abilities.  I do not ever want to have to use it to defend myself or someone else.  I do not ever want to take the life of another.  That is not my purpose.

Now on the other side, I think it is insidious to collect guns for the purpose of perpetuating a mass shooting or killing any innocent human beings for any reason.  And I think that there should be regulations in place to better control the distribution of these weapons that are built solely for the purpose of killing as many people in a short amount of time.  I don’t know what that would look like.  I have some ideas, but they are not, nor is any plan, foolproof.

Now for those of you who do not want to bring about any legislation that would curb your right to own guns, you might be tempted to pigeon-hole me right now, but you must continue reading…

We have left the government in control of too much of our lives.  Even though many people cannot see it, our rights as American Citizens have diminished over the decades to where we don’t even realize that they have been taken away.  Our right to choose what is best for us is pretty much extinct.  About the only things that we can claim as freedom is the ability to go to work, make money, and pay the taxes that we owe.  Did you ever wonder why tax reduction plans usually do not have a significant benefit for the middle income earner?  That is because if we are busy at the grind, trying to provide for our families, we are not engaged in actively pursuing our freedoms.

I hate that there are crazies out there that are able to get hold of weapons that can produce the carnage seen in Las Vegas.  But I see the point of the avid gun supporter.  The thing is that very few of you will actually say what it is that bothers you the most about gun control.  I have heard it a time or two, but not as often as I would have thought… You don’t TRUST our Government.  Like I mentioned earlier…many rights have disappeared, and honestly, if that one disappears, there will be even less freedom.

Now switching back to the gun regulation sector…there is not a scenario where we would become like Great Britain.  It is way too late for that.  I agree with my right leaning brethren when they say that most (or better said the majority) of gun owners are law abiding citizens.  They are people that would rise to help a fellow citizen in distress or protect a child from a predator.  There is no reason to take their guns.

Yes I think we need sensible gun laws, but who will agree on what that is without fear of either not being heard, or fear of losing their rights.  Unfortunately we cannot know the minds of people that may potentially snap.  And we writhe with pain to think that 59 people died and hundreds more are wounded.  It is tragic.  As a human I am appalled.  But let’s break it down.  Life is sacred and the life of one person being tragically taken in an event like this is equal to the multitude of lives lost.  Why?  Because that Mother, that Father, that Son, or Daughter is lost to their loved ones forever.  That one family will deal with the tragedy forever.  So if a person were to ‘snap’ and decide to do what this man did, if he had not automatic weapons, but only  a handgun, or only a knife, or only a bow and arrow, a broken bottle, a lead pipe, whatever….and he takes a life, or two, or three, there will be that family somewhere that will always be touched by it.  And there will always be others sympathetic to the families of those lives lost.

The shootings touched me, the loss of life touched me, but not as deeply as it would have had someone I loved been taken.  Guns don’t kill people…people kill people.  People do not need guns to kill people.  There are a lot of Americans that own guns, assault rifles, etc.  They are not out committing crimes with those weapons.  Do they need them?  Probably not!  Should they have them?  I don’t know.  Should we leave it up to the government to decide?  Well, they do not have a great track record of protecting our rights…you decide!

The Noise and the Silence.

Cars driving, rain falling, television playing, texting messages.

The Noise.  The Noise is what keeps the moment at a distance.

The Noise fends off emotions, keeps conscious thought at bay.

The Noise tells us that everything is going to be okay.

The Noise tells us that life will go on.

Powering down devices, traffic wanes, the rain whispers its faint voice

Against the glass, and the television fades to black.

The Silence.  The Silence screams to be heard.

The Silence reminds us of our deepest regrets, our darkest fears.

The Silence is like electricity to our brain, it engages us to reflect.

The Silence tells us that life will never be the same.

I will take the Silence.  I will take the Noise.  I will measure them both

And determine my path.  But decisions made in the Silence, seem foolish against

Noise.  For they do not compliment, they war.  And likewise, decisions made in the Noise

Are doomed with regret in the Silence.

Bring on the tears, bring on the pain and let them come in the Silence, so that in the Noise

They might find their demise, if not at least a moment’s respite.

Leaving...

What was the most difficult thing you have ever had to do?  Something that you knew was the right thing to do, but during the course of manifesting, there were times when you questioned your ability to make sound decisions.  For me?  It’s leaving.

Leaving is not something that I am particularly good at.  In 56 years I have done it 3 times in relationships, a half dozen times in jobs and a handful of times from a particular state.  As in North Carolina, Tennessee, Arizona, etc.  But, if I think about it, it has not really been something for which I can say that I have made a profession.  I AM an amateur!

In just over a day I will be making another such move.  One that encompasses all of the aforementioned methods, or types, of leaving.  Relationship, Job, and State.

The Job was a no-brainer.  More money, more responsibility, better long term investment of my time.  Then the State.  Less easy, since I have wanted to come back to Nashville for years, but as I sit here, day to day, I realize that neither Nashville nor I am the same.  I just don’t get the same things from this wonderful town that I got many a year ago.  And the third, and most difficult thing is the relationship.

For the past 9 years I have been married to a wonderful lady.  Together for over 12.  But somewhere over the past 4+ years I have lost the joy for the relationship.  And in some ways, and not intentionally trying to speak for another, I believe she has too.  Now in public, we were the perfect couple.  People could see that we were happy, in love, and had a zest for life.  And I guess that was in part true, and in part what we wanted to portray.  However, under the surface was a storm that was brewing.  Lack of adequate communications, personal ideals, stubbornness, and lack of understanding of what Love was to the other, made daily life difficult.  Blame and constant disagreements of what our agreements were was, for the most part, a daily part of life.

And then one day it happened.  I snapped.  I came to the brutal and abrupt conclusion that I have had enough of trying to be someone that I wasn’t.  Because, it was the person that I was, trying to get out, that caused all of the problems for me.  Had I been able to be the person that I was trying to portray, then I would have been in a remarkable situation.

Now please understand that everything I am writing here is merely from one perspective.  It is my own account of my situation and that there is a whole other side of it.  And in all honesty I have tried to understand that perspective.  But when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it, we just did not see eye to eye on various and sundry things.  I understood her position, and honor her position, but could not gravitate towards it in a manner that would bring her the joy she sought.

Admittedly there have been a lot of misunderstandings over the years.  But they were never adequately dealt with and therefore became part of the huge wall that was being built between us.  And then suddenly the wall was so high (at least on my side), that I could not scale it, see over it, or walk far enough to get around it.  Nor could I blow it up, because it was so sturdily built.

And now as the hour nears for me to depart all of that seems inconsequential.  For days we have both been in and out of emotional breaks.  One of us will take one and then soon after the other will.  And sometimes they happen at the same time.  But I have decided that my initial reasoning for leaving is just as valid for me as the day I formulated it.

I have been watching and assessing our situation for many years and decided that the main reason that my wife had not been happy had only one common factor.  ME.  So my only way to ensure that she had some chance at a happy life was to remove myself from the equation.  Now that does not mean that do not also benefit from this decision, but I too have not been at my happiest during this time.  So I now move forward believing that this is a win for both of us, even though neither of us knows how.

I am certain that there will be plenty of tears, some hugs, and many regrets, but hopefully that will soon turn to inner peace, love, and understanding.  Because when you love someone it is peace, love, and understanding that you desire for them.  And that has not changed.