One of the things that I am learning as a human being is the
compassionate part of friendship. More
specifically, how important friendship is in the development of a lasting,
loving, intimate relationship. By no
means do I pretend to have all the answers, in fact I have very few answers
for the rest of the world, but what I recognize is that while some answers can
be applied to all relationship situations, some answers are so personal that
they can only speak to the soul seeking them.
The old saying 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' is not
applicable in every instance.
I have been learning that just because you love someone does
not require them to love you back. And that you can freely give love expecting
nothing in return. (Ok, for you old
souls I am stomping all over your 'we already know that' attitude) Now this does not change my philosophy on
relationships. I still believe that for
love to exist in a committed, intimate relationship that both parties have to share the
same belief of what love means.
For example, if you really think that you are in love with
someone and they are not reciprocating the love yet you find yourself constantly trying
to convince them of your love, that is not a healthy love, nor would I even
consider it love (but that's just me, your opinion might differ). It is infatuation, obsession, or some other
form of mania. The idea of someone
insisting on using the biggest hammer they have to drive a square peg into a
round hole is ludicrous. You don't have
to force fit something that is right.
And along those same lines, if you are needing the person, that you say
you love, to make all sorts of changes to fit in your perspective of what love
is then you are wasting precious life on something that will never work for
you. The energy would be better spent on
walking away and doing some more searching...spiritually and physically.
So back to giving love expecting nothing in return. If you truly love someone, you are going to
want the best for them. But it is not up
to you to decide what that "best" is.
It is only up to you to love and support that person. Now, of course, I am talking about a healthy
adult relationship. Obviously if someone
you love is making choices that will harm them physically you have a
responsibility to get them help, but if it is a decision that takes them away
from you and towards something else, you have to let that happen. No amount of cradling or codependency will
ever make that person feel comfortable in your relationship. It is only the release and reassurance that
your love is not confining, but rather freeing.
A person at choice is apt to make much better decisions for their own
life than one that feels trapped or is guilt(ed) into being in a relationship.
Now how this becomes difficult in relationships is that you
still want to express your love for them while letting them know that you will
still love them no matter which direction they choose for their lives. In my own life this has been a wonderfully
freeing process. Knowing that you can
love someone so deeply that you can be completely unselfish for the choices
they make. Well, I am still human, and I
digress a little from time to time and the selfish man tries to sneak by me,
because after all we all have needs and desires. But I know in my heart of
hearts that I am wanting the best for people in my life. So here is the crux of the problem. People are not generally wired for someone
who wants to love them and yet will let them go. It is not the reality that fairy tales are
made of. We are programmed to believe
that someone who loves us does it for selfish reasons. What can they get from me? Or it may feel like an obsession to
them. It is in the convincing that the
biggest concerns come forward. Too much
reassurance and it sounds like a manipulation to them, too little shows a lack of
commitment and they may question if it is truly love or if you are simply pandering.
There is no 'one' answer to that. Because there is no one 'type' of
person. It all comes down to
understanding someone so deeply that you know how to support their needs. And it also comes down to trust. Do they trust you? Have you proven your relationship integrity
to the point where they know that they are safe with you? Because if you tell someone something you
better back it up with actions that match your words. Or fail.
In developing that long-term, trusting, intimate, loving
relationship, be patient above all else.
Be understanding to a fault, and if you must share your feelings of love
don't let them overshadow your desire for their happiness. If you really love someone their happiness
should also bring you happiness. It's a
tough thing to manifest. It takes time,
a little brain retrain, and back to that other word: Patience.
Do not ever considering NOT loving because you do not think
you will get what you need in return.
Champion love. Be that hopeless
romantic but toss the petals of the flower to the wind and let fate blow them
in the direction they are destined to go.
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