All About The Benjamin

I tend to tip-toe around things when it comes to writing blogs.  It’s not done to with any intention to be dishonest or to hide details for the sake of being secretive, but rather to avoid incurring wrath.  For you see when you place too many details in a story or in an explosion of emotional lava, there is always another side to the truth.

And when dealing with the pain and sadness of a relationship ending that truth can often be skewed to garner support or to make me come across as the good guy.  But what if rather than there being a need to be seen as good there was just a sense of sometimes things just end.

When I am on the outside of a relationship and am asked to look in, not as a judge would, but rather as a friend to both parties, I can sometimes sense the strength of that relationship based on social cues, conversations, and how they treat each other.  As well as how the two personalities fit into each other’s space.  And for the most part, I think that emotionally intelligent people do the same. 

I have a friend that recently has gone through a separation and upon looking at his relationship and using my senses I came to the conclusion that this guy was in the wrong relationship for his personality.  Even being around him and his wife was a very toxic experience.  There was little or no symbiosis.  There was a kind and gentle flow from one end and a toxic sludge on the other.   And I, along with others have noticed this and even tended to shy away from couple gatherings because of it.  And for me, someone who is empathic (with little or no conscious control), tends to feel way too much of the negative emotion from a situation like that.

The reason I even share that information is that when people talk about my relationship to me or to my wife, there is generally the sense that people love to be around us. That we are the “perfect couple.”  We are “good” people.  And for the most part, I would agree with that assessment.  Are we perfect?  No.   Do we have individual and couple issues?  Of course, but as people we are good people.  I would never want anyone to think any different, especially about my spouse, but being good people cannot solely sustain a relationship.  Some of the issues can be tough enough in the best of unions to wear you down.  And over time can sever the bond that two people have with each other.

Case in point, what is one of the biggest issues in a relationship that often causes the most tension?  Money.  If one partner doesn’t place the same importance on it as the other, then it will become an underlying reason for the demise of that relationship.  And no matter how the ebb and flow of money weaves through the tenure of that relationship, it is ultimately the degree of importance each places on it that will determine the outcome.

I have not been about the amassing of large sums of money.  Would I like to be rich?  Well, my mind says yes, but my actions say it’s not really that important.  And my wife would love to be rich and for the most part her actions tend towards the desire to be rich.  She has in place practices that would greatly benefit a person of means.  Together, however, we have not built a fortune.  Not even a small amount that people our age generally have at this point in our lives.  And this can be stressful, even when two good people are involved.  And when I look at this to evaluate it, I can see that it falls more to my part.  Universally you cannot have two magnets turned back to back and hold them together.  The will push apart, or one will turn and they will quickly snap together.  They are still magnets, they share the same characteristics, but when the direction they are going is not aligned they cannot build a strong foundation.

Now none of this will make a couple look like a ‘bad’ couple to friends. Unless the couple make it a part of their everyday discourse with the people they meet and share time as friends.  Because how I feel about money does not make me a bad person.  But it might make me a bad fit for certain relationships.  And unless I have a sudden flip of polarity and snap to the other magnet, it will eventually be the wedge that drives us apart.

I am not saying that money is the main, or only, reason that I am now separating myself from my marriage, but it is certainly a large part of what separates us.  And it has become more evident over the last few months. 

If I had the time, and the desire, I am sure that I could delve deeper into the reasons, surface and root, and dissect the entire relationship.  But for you it will not likely be a helpful tool.  It will merely change the way you think about us as individuals.  And there is no benefit to that.  Doing that would cause sides to form.  And all ‘sides’ are is an opportunity for people to express their magnetism to one or the other, when what I would like you to walk away with is a sense that two amazing people with amazing hearts sometimes don’t make it.  And right now…this moment…I don’t think that even those two people recognize it.

The Lion's Share

I am beginning to believe that nobody sees their actions in the true light.

As I come upon the end of a long relationship, it is becoming ever so clear that the reason that two people pull away is not the result of one person being completely intolerable, but rather a lack of reason between them.  And this is not to say that either one is unreasonable.  What it is, is the inability to comprehend the other’s position or point of view. 

After several arguments this past week and being named as the “shitty’ person in the way I approached the ending of the relationship, it has become clear that nothing that I say or do will ever convince her that one person having feelings for another is not enough to sustain the relationship.  Feelings need to translate to actions.  For example you cannot tell someone that you love them and tell them you want it to “work” and then expect the other person to do all the work. Conversely you cannot also tell someone you love them and then do all the work yourself.

But as I have had these several ‘conversations’ there is the usual back and forth that has painted our years together.  Same brush, same paint, same strokes.  There is literally layer upon layer of accusations on both sides that have dominated the conversations over what has been more than a decade.  And the more insidious part is that each of us claim to remember the exact unfolding of every event that marked a milestone of deep seated resentment.  When in fact stories change, alternative facts replace actual facts and both parties claim to have a handle on the true events.

And this is not even considering the differing definitions of what “LOVE” means.  We have both used that word thousands of times and I don’t think either of us was using the same definition.  Because even when using the word it was supported by issues of control, resentment, distrust, mis-communications, literal versus figurative translations, and just a basic difference in what we each define as love.  There are as many definitions as there are practical applications.  And while we each professed our love, what each of us was receiving did not resonate.  For one, doing ‘things’ (acts of goodness or kindness) was not a showing of love, and for the other, guiding hands and teachable moments fell flat.

I will say that there have been many joyous occasions in the past 12 years, and those I would not trade for love nor money, but the hardest times and the times that we were both “out of sync” with each other made the joyous times arrive at lesser intervals.

I was recently re-reading some of the early communications that we shared and noticed that I no longer recognize either of those people in the emails.  More so me than her.  She is fairly consistent with her words and desires, or at least it seems so, but the actual memories of the real life interactions don’t hold the same feelings as the words in print.  And there are far fewer references to actual events and more responses to a particular moment or infraction.  Yet I see the word “Love” used over and over again.  And what really tears me up is the fact that I am now questioning my integrity from so long ago.  Was that how I felt?  Was it really me?  Or was it someone that I wanted to be, or someone that I was trying to be.  The One thing that I do recognize is that it moved way too quickly.  It was a matter of a few weeks from the moment we met in person to where we were professing our love.  In fact in less time than that we were hinting of it.

From these early emails I can also see that there were trouble signs early that I think we chose to ignore.  I see that I was willfully unprepared to be in a new, full-time relationship.  I was still dealing with so many issues of my own that it could not help but carry over into another relationship.  I cannot look back and realistically lay any of the blame for the failure on anyone else but myself.  I was not ready, and instead of taking a step back and evaluating the situation, I fell face forward into it.  I have always been ruled by emotion and not by rationale.  A trait that has resounding consequences if not watched carefully.

But I seem to have gotten off the point.  The point being is that I believe both of us overlooked some important factors early on in the development of the relationship that had they been studied and heeded, we may not have gone forward.  But now, near the end, the hurt, pain, anger, and frustration is exacerbated.  And while one held out hope, the other was hopeless. 

It is truly a sad state of affairs, and even though I have tried to convince her that at some point she will be much better off without me, for now I do not think she can see the truth in it.

I guess that I have to be okay with being the ‘bad guy!’  I have to suck it up and realize that ultimately it is me who has changed, or perhaps reverted.  Not that I am taking the whole weight of the state of things on my own shoulders, but I certainly bear the lions share.

Closing time.

One is not always prepared for change even if they themselves instigate the change.  But the truth is that once you start down a path of dogged determination…you have to follow it through!

Okay, so I was being way too general and putting the responsibility on others by using terms like “one is…” and “they themselves” and “you.”  When I really mean to say I was not prepared, even though I instigated it, and I have to follow it through.

For years now I have been untrue to myself.  I have been making a bed that I reluctantly laid in and made no efforts to change it for the better.  I went along, did the opposite of what my heart was telling me to do, and in the process made life miserable for me and for my wife.  But the time has come to make a decision that, quite frankly, is void of emotion.  Not that I don’t have any emotions where this is concerned, but am rather full up with them, but the emotions have been what has stopped me from moving forward.

In my heart of hearts I believe that I have been responsible for the lack of success that either my wife, Cynthia, or I have had over the past 12 years.  When I met Cynthia she was a successful business person that was heading in a good direction for her life, and instantly upon my arrival that began to change.  And I believe the reason for that is my inability to communicate with her on her level.  And conversely, I left any desires or ambitions that I had at the front door.

Now that doesn’t mean that I didn’t have some success over time.  I ended up with a good paying radio gig, but when the pressure was applied, I gave into the pressure.  I wasn’t strong enough, secure enough, or committed enough to my own success, to do what I thought was right and so I went along.

It is a pattern of behavior that I have become all too familiar with over my lifetime.  Not just in this relationship, but in all my important relationships.  I bought into the idea that it was good to “go with the flow” and good things would happen.  And in some respects they did.  I have had some really good things cross my path, and have had some great opportunities, but they were all brought about by my doing the opposite of what my heart told me was best for me.

So I began to wonder what would happen if I decided to follow my heart instead of my mind?  Well that is an interesting concept.  I know a lot of people that have done that over time and they seem to be happy people.  So hell, why not give it a try.

Now many people will not understand the situation, and some will call it a mid-life crisis, but it is far from that.  And as far as understanding, it is not up to others to understand what I am doing.  It is only up to me to know that I am doing what is right for me.  And people that know me can be supportive, or they can just go away.

Now when it comes to personal stuff, I am not a big proponent of sharing.  I like to keep my personal life private, but sometimes I just need to blurt out my mistakes.  Now usually it is to one person and not a crowd, but I feel pretty sure that this blog will not reach the audience in masses.

For several years now we have been struggling with our relationship.  Now from the outside looking in we seemed like the perfect couple to most.  In fact we often heard that from friends.  And while we have had many good times and great moments, there were also dark times, sadness, anger, and pain.  And more so in the last couple of years.  I resented having to move (but I did it), I resented moving again (but I did it), and I resented moving again (but I did it again).  And make no mistake!  I was at choice in each of these moves.  There is no blame to be put on anyone else but me.  But this resentment over moving was also flowing over into every aspect of the relationship between Cynthia and me.  So much so that intimacy was a thing of the past.  Conversations were shallow and protective.  And I began to feel myself pull back, even more than I had in previous years.

Upon arrival in Nashville I believe that we both had realized that there was nothing left.  Now we still claim to love one another, but it was not like before.  In fact, Cynthia even recently commented to me that she believed the move to Nashville would ultimately end our relationship.  And it seems as though that prophecy is being fulfilled.

For some time now we have been living in the same house, but in different rooms.  Separated, but not financially solvent enough for either of us to branch out on our own.  Cynthia is working on building her Real Estate Business, and I am awaiting a move to a new position with my work, but it has been hampered by FCC delays.  So we have both been under a great deal of stress trying to cohabitate with strong feelings about the demise of the relationship tucked just under the cuffs of our sleeves.

In addition there have been some trust issues with us in the past and several times not Cynthia has asked me if I had “other interests.”  Meaning was there another woman or women with whom I was communicating?  Well the simple answer is no.  In fact I told her that I had no desire to date anyone, have sex with anyone or establish a relationship with any one new.

But here is the thing.  One night, dark and alone in my room, my mind began to wonder if there was anyone out there with whom I could be friends?  And JUST friends.  Someone to have a cup of coffee with.  So alone in the room I downloaded the Tinder app.  I had it on my phone for about 3 days total and had one conversation.  And then I realized that this was crazy.  This wasn’t me.  It wasn’t fulfilling any need in me.  So I deleted my account and let that part of me go. 

Strangely enough though is that almost two weeks later (in this town of a million plus) Cynthia gets a phone call from someone who had seen me on Tinder.  And it was very embarrassing for her…which I completely understand.  And when I explained to her like I just did above, it did not seem to help.  But it was true.  I was no more interested in meeting some strange person for coffee than I was with having coffee with some established friends.  (sorry to any friends who may read this…it’s not that I wouldn’t have coffee with you it’s just that I am in a very funky place and it would not be a good time for you!)

So I was encouraged to file for divorce and move this thing along.  So be it.

I never imagined myself in this position again, but here I am.  And the worst part is that it is causing someone I care about a lot of pain.  To which I can only hope that one day she will see it as the perfect thing and a true blessing.  Like the song says:

Closing time 
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end!