A few thoughts on Love

One of the things that I am learning as a human being is the compassionate part of friendship.  More specifically, how important friendship is in the development of a lasting, loving, intimate relationship.  By no means do I pretend to have all the answers, in fact I have very few answers for the rest of the world, but what I recognize is that while some answers can be applied to all relationship situations, some answers are so personal that they can only speak to the soul seeking them.  The old saying 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' is not applicable in every instance.

I have been learning that just because you love someone does not require them to love you back. And that you can freely give love expecting nothing in return.  (Ok, for you old souls I am stomping all over your 'we already know that' attitude)  Now this does not change my philosophy on relationships.  I still believe that for love to exist in a committed, intimate relationship that both parties have to share the same belief of what love means.

For example, if you really think that you are in love with someone and they are not reciprocating the love yet you find yourself constantly trying to convince them of your love, that is not a healthy love, nor would I even consider it love (but that's just me, your opinion might differ).  It is infatuation, obsession, or some other form of mania.  The idea of someone insisting on using the biggest hammer they have to drive a square peg into a round hole is ludicrous.  You don't have to force fit something that is right.  And along those same lines, if you are needing the person, that you say you love, to make all sorts of changes to fit in your perspective of what love is then you are wasting precious life on something that will never work for you.  The energy would be better spent on walking away and doing some more searching...spiritually and physically.

So back to giving love expecting nothing in return.  If you truly love someone, you are going to want the best for them.  But it is not up to you to decide what that "best" is.  It is only up to you to love and support that person.  Now, of course, I am talking about a healthy adult relationship.  Obviously if someone you love is making choices that will harm them physically you have a responsibility to get them help, but if it is a decision that takes them away from you and towards something else, you have to let that happen.  No amount of cradling or codependency will ever make that person feel comfortable in your relationship.  It is only the release and reassurance that your love is not confining, but rather freeing.  A person at choice is apt to make much better decisions for their own life than one that feels trapped or is guilt(ed) into being in a relationship.

Now how this becomes difficult in relationships is that you still want to express your love for them while letting them know that you will still love them no matter which direction they choose for their lives.  In my own life this has been a wonderfully freeing process.  Knowing that you can love someone so deeply that you can be completely unselfish for the choices they make. Well, I am still human, and I digress a little from time to time and the selfish man tries to sneak by me, because after all we all have needs and desires. But I know in my heart of hearts that I am wanting the best for people in my life.  So here is the crux of the problem.  People are not generally wired for someone who wants to love them and yet will let them go.  It is not the reality that fairy tales are made of.  We are programmed to believe that someone who loves us does it for selfish reasons.  What can they get from me?  Or it may feel like an obsession to them.  It is in the convincing that the biggest concerns come forward.  Too much reassurance and it sounds like a manipulation to them, too little shows a lack of commitment and they may question if it is truly love or if you are simply pandering. 

There is no 'one' answer to that.  Because there is no one 'type' of person.  It all comes down to understanding someone so deeply that you know how to support their needs.  And it also comes down to trust.  Do they trust you?  Have you proven your relationship integrity to the point where they know that they are safe with you?  Because if you tell someone something you better back it up with actions that match your words. Or fail.

In developing that long-term, trusting, intimate, loving relationship, be patient above all else.  Be understanding to a fault, and if you must share your feelings of love don't let them overshadow your desire for their happiness.  If you really love someone their happiness should also bring you happiness.  It's a tough thing to manifest.  It takes time, a little brain retrain, and back to that other word: Patience.

Do not ever considering NOT loving because you do not think you will get what you need in return.  Champion love.  Be that hopeless romantic but toss the petals of the flower to the wind and let fate blow them in the direction they are destined to go.

Dusty Drawers

It comes and goes in spurts. Some days I feel as though I could write forever with plenty to say. Other days there is nothing but dust in the drawers! Dusty day today! I woke up at 2:30 this morning and instead of rolling over and burying my head in the pillow I succumbed to the little green flashing light. Yes, I picked up my phone and took a look at what was "the Most Important thing in my life!" As it turned out there wasn't anything too exciting going on other that my circadian rhythm was now fricked up. The one message that appeared on the screen was over 4 hours old and could have been another 3 or 4 hours older and not made one bit of difference. Of course I did not know this, but I should have. There are only 2 types of messages that hold extreme importance to me...My biological family and my adopted family. If you are not in either of those groups then I am sorry but your text can wait.  Barring any life threatening emergency I knew that it was not likely to be family, otherwise the phone would have actually rung.  On the adopted side of things there are only a handful of people that I would respond to at that hour.  LH, LHB, DS, RH, DJL.  And maybe one or two more that I cannot recall at this very tired moment.  But I usually know when texts from the adopted family are coming.  Call it a sense, wisdom, witching, a connection, whatever word you choose to ascribe to it.

So why not just sleep?  I have no idea.  Maybe it's just stuff on my mind that is imbedded deeper than my conscious will allow me to access.  I have tried meditating.  Occasionally focused breathing will work, but in the long run it comes down to unconsciously grabbing my cell phone and watching whatever videos pop up on my facebook screen.  Thankfully there is nothing hardcore there to further destroy my slumber!  I mean who needs "that" at 2:30?  On the other hand (pardon the inexcusable pun) were "I" someone's blinking green light and some tactile interaction were proposed...Sleep be damned!

I look forward to that early morning wake up call!

Dusty is right.