What was the most difficult thing you have ever had to
do? Something that you knew was the right
thing to do, but during the course of manifesting, there were times when you
questioned your ability to make sound decisions. For me?
It’s leaving.
Leaving is not something that I am particularly good
at. In 56 years I have done it 3 times
in relationships, a half dozen times in jobs and a handful of times from a
particular state. As in North Carolina,
Tennessee, Arizona, etc. But, if I think
about it, it has not really been something for which I can say that I have made
a profession. I AM an amateur!
In just over a day I will be making another such move. One that encompasses all of the
aforementioned methods, or types, of leaving.
Relationship, Job, and State.
The Job was a no-brainer. More money, more responsibility, better long
term investment of my time. Then the
State. Less easy, since I have wanted to
come back to Nashville for years, but as I sit here, day to day, I realize that
neither Nashville nor I am the same. I
just don’t get the same things from this wonderful town that I got many a year
ago. And the third, and most difficult thing
is the relationship.
For the past 9 years I have been
married to a wonderful lady. Together
for over 12. But somewhere over the past
4+ years I have lost the joy for the relationship. And in some ways, and not intentionally
trying to speak for another, I believe she has too. Now in public, we were the perfect
couple. People could see that we were happy,
in love, and had a zest for life. And I
guess that was in part true, and in part what we wanted to portray. However, under the surface was a storm that
was brewing. Lack of adequate
communications, personal ideals, stubbornness, and lack of understanding of
what Love was to the other, made daily life difficult. Blame and constant disagreements of what our agreements
were was, for the most part, a daily part of life.
And then one day it
happened. I snapped. I came to the brutal and abrupt conclusion
that I have had enough of trying to be someone that I wasn’t. Because, it was the person that I was, trying to get out, that caused all
of the problems for me. Had I been able
to be the person that I was trying to portray, then I would have been in a
remarkable situation.
Now please understand that
everything I am writing here is merely from one perspective. It is my own account of my situation and that
there is a whole other side of it. And
in all honesty I have tried to understand that perspective. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty of
it, we just did not see eye to eye on various and sundry things. I understood her position, and honor her
position, but could not gravitate towards it in a manner that would bring her
the joy she sought.
Admittedly there have been a lot
of misunderstandings over the years. But
they were never adequately dealt with and therefore became part of the huge
wall that was being built between us. And
then suddenly the wall was so high (at least on my side), that I could not
scale it, see over it, or walk far enough to get around it. Nor could I blow it up, because it was so
sturdily built.
And now as the hour nears for me
to depart all of that seems inconsequential.
For days we have both been in and out of emotional breaks. One of us will take one and then soon after
the other will. And sometimes they
happen at the same time. But I have
decided that my initial reasoning for leaving is just as valid for me as the
day I formulated it.
I have been watching and assessing
our situation for many years and decided that the main reason that my wife had
not been happy had only one common factor.
ME. So my only way to ensure that
she had some chance at a happy life was to remove myself from the
equation. Now that does not mean that do
not also benefit from this decision, but I too have not been at my happiest
during this time. So I now move forward
believing that this is a win for both of us, even though neither of us knows
how.
I am certain that there will be
plenty of tears, some hugs, and many regrets, but hopefully that will soon turn
to inner peace, love, and understanding.
Because when you love someone it is peace, love, and understanding that
you desire for them. And that has not
changed.
