Brutally honest...

Brutal, Honest, Raw.

This is in no way intended for purposes of instruction or advice.  When you see the word “you”  I am actually saying “Me” and when you see the word “We” I am actually saying “I”.  it’s often the way “we” phrase things that get us into trouble.

If someone says that they need to be brutally honest with you and then begin to run you through a ringer of what they perceive to be the truth about you, how do you feel?  With me it depends on how accurate they are in their portrayal.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it cathartic, sometimes you brush it off and tell yourself that “they really don’t know the real me!”

But in the realm of fiction versus truth the worst kind of brutal honesty is when the time comes when we have to confront ourselves and tell the truth.

Now since I am the one preparing to come clean with myself (yet blog it for anyone to read) I will first tell this tale…

Take a person from the media that has a light shining on them year after year.  Perhaps they have earned the reputation of being difficult, hateful at times, and a pretty nasty individual.  You have painted a picture of who you perceive this person to be.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, this person goes to a hospital where victims of a shooting have been taken and visits each of the victims individually, taking pictures when requested, offering sincere compassion, and generally being a loving caring soul.

What now?  What has changed in your mind in that brief moment?  Is it perhaps you have not really known this person?  Does this person get a pass on his perceived persona?  If you are like me, you begin to see that while people are often guarded with themselves (be it celebrity or next door neighbor), there is often redeeming qualities that make this person special.

Now on the opposite side, there is a person who has worked over decades in the limelight, building relationships, getting kudos from every turn, helping other celebrities combat horrible demons and then suddenly falls victim to a demon of his own and in a moment of alcohol fueled rage spews angry hurtful speech and is thrust aside by the very community he has dedicated his life to support.

And Now?  How do you feel about that person?  Have you decided that what they said is a true picture of what they are feeling deep down inside?  Do you hold it over their head like a thunder cloud that follows them even through the brightest of days?

I ask you to think about this because I am one of those types.  Or both of those types.  Yet without the celebrity.

As recently as yesterday evening I fell victim to myself.  I took all of the emotions that I have been feeling over the past 12, plus 18, plus 5, plus 4, or 39 of the past 56 years, and exploded them into a house filled with tension. 

Yes, that’s right, I lost it.  And I would love to say that it was the first time, but that would be a lie.  It happens when I begin to feel that I have lost control over my own life.  When I begin to see that the choices I have made have left me personally dwarfed.  When I allow others to make my decisions for me and take no responsibility for allowing that to happen.  Basically, in that moment, I am not a good person.  Regardless of what you may believe about me.  Whatever the perception is you have about me is likely not accurate.  And the main reason for that is that I have had no desire for people to see me as I really am.  Human.  I have hidden the dark places of my soul and tried to fill them with light.  Positive affirmations, compassionate facebook posts, personal quotations bolstering support for many a cause.  Is it all a lie?  Am I attempting to be deceitful in my speech?  No, I don’t think so, but then I have never really spoken aloud about it.  At least not to anyone who would understand.

So back to the previous evening.  I have no earthly idea how to express myself in a way that gets my desired result.  My desired result is always an understanding of my feelings.  I have tried just about everything I can think of to tell someone how I am feeling just so that person is informed.  I often times just want to speak aloud and have the person with whom I am sharing this with just nod, say they understand, and ask what can I do?

I am horrible, however, with the immediate retaliative (new word) comeback that becomes lighter fluid on an already burning charcoal fire.  Because then it escalates and I become mean, hateful, spewing everything that has ever bothered me about the situation/relationship that I am in.  Any ounce of blame that I can find to cut through the deepest part of the soul will I fling until I suddenly wake up and realize that none of this can be taken back.  And no amount of “I’m sorry, or forgive me” will ever return the relationship back to a kinder, gentler time.

I have been this way my entire adult life.  The moment I began making decisions because I thought it was what was expected, rather than what I needed to do for myself.  And the 3 main principals or recipients of this hatefulness have been the three women with whom I have spent the majority of my adult life.  Thus the 12, 18, 5 comment earlier.

Now while I understand the foundation of the meaning of the concept of love, I have realized that my idea of love was not the same as those with whom I have been in relationship.  I am not going to tell stories because it would not be fair to them, but I will say that I have attracted people with issues of their own.  Oh, I know, everyone has issues, and that is true, but I have attracted people with almost the exact same issue, but with different back stories.

Do not misunderstand me, this is in no way a reflection on them.  Like me, they have kind and gentle spirits, a desire to love and be loved, and similarly strong spirits. 

I know you have heard the analogy of a square peg, round hole?  That is not the case.  It is more like two square pegs trying to get into the same round hole at the same time.

Nonetheless, I have found out the truth.  Okay, I have known the truth for some time, but I have been reluctant to speak it out loud or to share it with anyone, but something happened last night that made me realize that I cannot continue to hurt the people close to me.  Because in a moment of anger and self-imposed desperation, I cannot control my tongue.  I literally (okay not literally) become the angel of darkness himself.

So, here it goes…

I am broken.  I am living out a scenario that I had never planned for my life.  I didn’t go to the school I wanted to go to, I didn’t become the military pilot that I had dreamed of, I didn’t become the actor on television or movies that I had envisioned.  No instead, I did the exact opposite.  And of course the first thing many of you (assuming that anyone reads this at all) will say is that is the past, the future is still unwritten.  But I think we have all seen enough of those people who never quite come to grips with their past and use it as fuel for a re-entry into life.  I know that there have been some, but at this point I cannot see myself as one of those.  So I am stuck.  Admittedly by my own devices.

I have let true friends go by the wayside and replaced them with empty, meaningless things.  I have squandered life and do not feel as though I can use any of the parts to build something better.  And worst of all, I have constantly done things because I wanted to help when it was not helping them or me.  Even in my work I have given and given and accepted that it was best to do even though I was not getting paid compensation for the ‘over and above.’  Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain amount of ‘over and above’ that is good an honorable, but when fear sets in and you think that it is necessary to continue in a working relationship, then you have devalued everything that you are and have.

I really do not know what the answer is, but I had to get this off my chest.  I had to put this out there so that I could in some small way, find the path to begin a remodel in my life.  The past is done.  My only hope for the past is that I can leave it behind me without too much of a dark stain.  That I can let it go with love and compassion and not bring it forward with me.  Make better choices, move forward in a direction that is good for me.  Find a way to share my feelings and fears with someone I trust.

Attempt to right the ship.  So back to the stories of earlier on…

Whether you saw me as the first example, or the second, I am what I am.  I am imperfect.  I at times am very angry, and most times I am very understanding.  And most of my anger has been caused by my own decisions, not by the actions or words of others.

I am searching for peace.  Peace in my own mind (and that IS a double entendre).    

If you took the time to read this….Thank you!