Letter to a friend

To one of my oldest and dearest friends,

It has become apparent that the years have done more than grey us.  They have also jaded us, and, conversely, like a tumblers drum they have even worn off some of the rough edges.  And rough edges can be to our benefit at times.  Our sharp points can sometimes defend us from the barrage of unwanted threats that confront us in the world.  I know that the conventional wisdom is that a smooth stone has weathered the roughest rapids and is gentler and allows the water to pass without a rapid, but many a gentle ripple. But it can also make us complacent to the rushing waters.  There is a Buddhist thought that says (paraphrase) to go with the flow, but this is an incomplete thought.  It is chaos and fear that we must allow to flow smoothly over us while being diligent in kindness and compassion no matter what the cost.

As I look at our relationship over the years, we have shared little or no such chaos between us.  Certainly we have had our share in our own separate worlds, but now it seems as though outside influences have permeated a life of love and shared respect.  Neither of us were always perfect, nor were we saddled with the weight of the world’s issues, but current times are showing me that I still have some rough edges.  Edges that will not allow me to tolerate fear and tolerance toward hatred, bigotry, or religious persecution.

The saddest thing, from my perspective, is that we are not now divided by ideology, which I could embrace, were that the only issue, but we have embraced paths that are diametrically opposed.  One path that is filled with hatred, bigotry, and religious persecution.  And that is troubling to me because I do not see you as having any of those traits.  I know you as loving, compassionate, kind, and generous.  Yet you have aligned with a movement that, at its core, has none of those traits.

I will always have hope that the situation will right itself and that love will prevail, but I must also defend myself from the anger and hatred, and in turn not display that in my emotions and actions.  This is difficult for me, because in coming from a point of love I must compassionately dole it out to all, and not just those with whom I agree.

I remember when I was steeped in the Fundamentalist doctrine and would spout the book of Romans when it came to Homosexuality, Corinthians when it came to Adultery, and Timothy when it came to condemning Catholics.  And I would Judge others because of righteous indignation.  But I learned that you truly cannot “hate the sin” and “love the sinner.”  Because if you break it down biblically, we are all sinners and our sins are equally judged by God.  So it reverts to love in the positive, and eliminate the fears surrounding the negative.

I have difficulty in finding the source of all of this hatred and bigotry. I look at the past 8 years and I cannot see the origin of all the hatefulness towards the previous Administration.  Were there wrong turns?  Yes.  Were there things with which I did not agree?  Absolutely!  But in my heart of hearts am I better for it?  Without a doubt. 

People on a certain side of this new era we are rushing into have seen the past 4 years as something horrible.  As an affront to their existence.  And from what I can see the largest mass of people come from three places.  Ones who believe that whites are the true inheritors of the U.S.  The millionaires who did not quite make as many millions as they wanted, and the wannabes who believed that they didn’t make enough because they were held in check by a black president.  And while that may be over simplifying it, there is enough evidence for me to make such a claim.

But I left one group out, and on purpose, because I do not want to believe for a moment that it is a factor, but yet to deny it would be to blindly look away.  Men and women who believe that Jesus is their Lord and Savior, have battled against love and have taken up arms to defend the fear, bigotry, and hatred of others based on their beliefs, their lifestyles, and their countries of origin.  And this, for me is the tipping point (as if the rest wasn’t enough).

My dear friend, I have loved you unconditionally since we met.  Our lives have intersected in many ways over the years, and while we have not always been close in miles, my heart has been connected to you and has not, even for the briefest of periods, abated.  I know that there is nothing I can say or do to change your current ideology, but I can continue to love.  I cannot continue to be inundated by the hatefulness you have surrounded yourself.  I truly believe that this is not you at your core, but fear has crept in and taken you away.  I can only hope that it is but for the briefest of moments.

Perhaps there will once again be a time when we find ourselves walking the same path.  My wish for you is peace, love, and joy in the absence of fear.

G.

Dear Facebook Friend/Trump Supporter,

I awoke this morning with a new vigor.  Brought on by the fact that I have listened and macerated on the events of the last week and realized that there is no amount of justification that I can conceive for this current situation that has manifested.  And in watching events unfold I have made another stark realization.  I no longer have the stomach for angry interaction and blatant disregard for human decency.

I have told myself every positive thing that I can think of to warrant continuing in friendships that are not healthy for me.  “We have a history,”  “We have been friends since school.” “You are a good person.”  The list is long and not necessary for action at this point.  But the answer that I have come up with is that in order to actually be friends I have to actually break down what being a “friend” means to me.

I decided to start at the most common of places: The dictionary.

Miriam Webster defines friend in several ways.

1.       One attached to another by affection or esteem.

2.       One that is not hostile.

3.       A favored companion

There are other, more loose, definitions, but this was a good starting place for me.  First off let me say that for years many of you have been my friends without really knowing my political or religious beliefs.  You never asked, never seemed to care, or it just wasn’t important enough to make a deal out of it.  And similarly, I have not made a big deal of my beliefs politically or religiously.  To me it is just not that important.

So what exactly does it mean to be a friend in my eyes?

First and foremost we have to have something in common that brought us together.  And that cannot be a piece of software.  I saw something in you and you saw something in me that made us say, this person is cool I want to get to know them.  Now unfortunately what I have learned is that having gone to the same school is not necessarily an instant requisite for friendship.  I went to my first 12 years of school surrounded by Catholics and indoctrinated by the Catholic ideology.  And you would think that the goodness and charity of the Catholic faith would be a good foundation.  But what I have learned is that many (NOT ALL) of my Catholic classmates have become caustic, mean-spirited, and think that being Catholic is a free pass on the Right-wing Express!  Conversely, my next several years were spent steeped in Fundamentalist, Far-right leaning, religious education and the few friends that I still have from that experience are some of the most compassionate, thoughtful and loving humans I know.  It sometimes weirds me out thinking about it, but I have resigned myself that this is the way of the world.

As you can see, commonality is not in itself a reason to be friends, but it is one aspect.

Second, there has to be an amount of respect that is shared.  And that respect can be reflected in a willingness to listen to each other even when our beliefs do not match.  This is a tricky point.  Because in order for me to respect you, and vice-versa, we have to intelligently, articulately, and compassionately explain our beliefs.  And in order to do this, we have to be educated.  Educated in our beliefs.  We can’t be throwing up on Facebook because we saw a meme, that albeit may be funny, is at its core false, misleading, or hurtful to a whole group of people.  So often in the past year I have seen a reposting of an actual event (from a news source, activist group, or idiot) that takes a statement out of context or changes a word in a phrase that completely changes the meaning and makes it a complete falsehood.  It is then reposted by a ‘friend’ as a ‘real’ story.  And at first I go ‘omg, how horrible!’  And then I go to the source of the meme and find that it is not actually what happened, but a sensationalistic re-transcribing of an event with new verbiage to promote a certain skew of reality.  And suddenly, there goes respect out the window.  Because you did not educate yourself before posting it.  And I do not remove myself from this phenomenon, I have actually done it myself.  But I have also taken it down when I realized my mistake.

Third, you have to be able to state your case without being demeaning, disrespectful, condescending, belligerent, or berating of others.  If you express yourself with kindness and thoughtfulness towards those who may not share your beliefs, then I can accept that as an effort to educate rather than pompously placing yourself above others.

And lastly, we have to like each other even when our beliefs are diametrically opposed to each other.  And the only way for that to exist is for the other three on the list to be in full effect. 

I don’t ever want to be the person who unfriends someone for their beliefs because they are opposed to mine, but I damn sure will unfriend someone because they are acting in a hateful, disrespectful way towards me or others on my list.  If you want to be a belligerent asshole, then go be a belligerent asshole somewhere else.  Do me the favor of defriending me so that I at least know you have some integrity.  Because if you don’t?  I will do it for you.  And it doesn’t matter if we have known each other all of our lives, or had some common event that drew us together, or that we are aware of intimate details of each other’s lives.  If you decide to lash out and be that person that most people hate to see on Facebook, then ‘click’ you are gone.

I have decided to remove those negative people from my life, instead I am focusing on passionate people that intelligently know how to express themselves.

Now hear is the one caveat.  If you are a fervent sycophant of “The Donald” we are not likely to find common ground in being friends.  And that is not because I have a bent towards Clinton or other, former candidate.  It is because of the destructive nature of this individual.  And if you truly cannot see it, then you certainly do not fit in any of the previous categories.  Now notice that I did not say if you voted for “The Donald” or agree with him on some of his campaign issues.  That is a whole other post! Many good people were duped by his rhetoric.

I have always been tolerant, to a point, of other ideologies.  That is how I have grown through the ages.  But it is my opinion that I have always been able to Snope out the craziness of something and glean the sensibility from it.  Perhaps I am deceived, but I will continue to be deceived if it means caring about the world and its occupants more than the differences that tend to separate us.

We may have been friends, once.  We may continue to be friends.  But it is in your hands too!

I know that it sounds corny, especially coming from a closet introvert that can at times seem like he doesn’t like people all that much, but the truth is that I love people.  I just do not wish to surround myself with the ones that lack intelligence.

Peace.

Brutally honest...

Brutal, Honest, Raw.

This is in no way intended for purposes of instruction or advice.  When you see the word “you”  I am actually saying “Me” and when you see the word “We” I am actually saying “I”.  it’s often the way “we” phrase things that get us into trouble.

If someone says that they need to be brutally honest with you and then begin to run you through a ringer of what they perceive to be the truth about you, how do you feel?  With me it depends on how accurate they are in their portrayal.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it cathartic, sometimes you brush it off and tell yourself that “they really don’t know the real me!”

But in the realm of fiction versus truth the worst kind of brutal honesty is when the time comes when we have to confront ourselves and tell the truth.

Now since I am the one preparing to come clean with myself (yet blog it for anyone to read) I will first tell this tale…

Take a person from the media that has a light shining on them year after year.  Perhaps they have earned the reputation of being difficult, hateful at times, and a pretty nasty individual.  You have painted a picture of who you perceive this person to be.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, this person goes to a hospital where victims of a shooting have been taken and visits each of the victims individually, taking pictures when requested, offering sincere compassion, and generally being a loving caring soul.

What now?  What has changed in your mind in that brief moment?  Is it perhaps you have not really known this person?  Does this person get a pass on his perceived persona?  If you are like me, you begin to see that while people are often guarded with themselves (be it celebrity or next door neighbor), there is often redeeming qualities that make this person special.

Now on the opposite side, there is a person who has worked over decades in the limelight, building relationships, getting kudos from every turn, helping other celebrities combat horrible demons and then suddenly falls victim to a demon of his own and in a moment of alcohol fueled rage spews angry hurtful speech and is thrust aside by the very community he has dedicated his life to support.

And Now?  How do you feel about that person?  Have you decided that what they said is a true picture of what they are feeling deep down inside?  Do you hold it over their head like a thunder cloud that follows them even through the brightest of days?

I ask you to think about this because I am one of those types.  Or both of those types.  Yet without the celebrity.

As recently as yesterday evening I fell victim to myself.  I took all of the emotions that I have been feeling over the past 12, plus 18, plus 5, plus 4, or 39 of the past 56 years, and exploded them into a house filled with tension. 

Yes, that’s right, I lost it.  And I would love to say that it was the first time, but that would be a lie.  It happens when I begin to feel that I have lost control over my own life.  When I begin to see that the choices I have made have left me personally dwarfed.  When I allow others to make my decisions for me and take no responsibility for allowing that to happen.  Basically, in that moment, I am not a good person.  Regardless of what you may believe about me.  Whatever the perception is you have about me is likely not accurate.  And the main reason for that is that I have had no desire for people to see me as I really am.  Human.  I have hidden the dark places of my soul and tried to fill them with light.  Positive affirmations, compassionate facebook posts, personal quotations bolstering support for many a cause.  Is it all a lie?  Am I attempting to be deceitful in my speech?  No, I don’t think so, but then I have never really spoken aloud about it.  At least not to anyone who would understand.

So back to the previous evening.  I have no earthly idea how to express myself in a way that gets my desired result.  My desired result is always an understanding of my feelings.  I have tried just about everything I can think of to tell someone how I am feeling just so that person is informed.  I often times just want to speak aloud and have the person with whom I am sharing this with just nod, say they understand, and ask what can I do?

I am horrible, however, with the immediate retaliative (new word) comeback that becomes lighter fluid on an already burning charcoal fire.  Because then it escalates and I become mean, hateful, spewing everything that has ever bothered me about the situation/relationship that I am in.  Any ounce of blame that I can find to cut through the deepest part of the soul will I fling until I suddenly wake up and realize that none of this can be taken back.  And no amount of “I’m sorry, or forgive me” will ever return the relationship back to a kinder, gentler time.

I have been this way my entire adult life.  The moment I began making decisions because I thought it was what was expected, rather than what I needed to do for myself.  And the 3 main principals or recipients of this hatefulness have been the three women with whom I have spent the majority of my adult life.  Thus the 12, 18, 5 comment earlier.

Now while I understand the foundation of the meaning of the concept of love, I have realized that my idea of love was not the same as those with whom I have been in relationship.  I am not going to tell stories because it would not be fair to them, but I will say that I have attracted people with issues of their own.  Oh, I know, everyone has issues, and that is true, but I have attracted people with almost the exact same issue, but with different back stories.

Do not misunderstand me, this is in no way a reflection on them.  Like me, they have kind and gentle spirits, a desire to love and be loved, and similarly strong spirits. 

I know you have heard the analogy of a square peg, round hole?  That is not the case.  It is more like two square pegs trying to get into the same round hole at the same time.

Nonetheless, I have found out the truth.  Okay, I have known the truth for some time, but I have been reluctant to speak it out loud or to share it with anyone, but something happened last night that made me realize that I cannot continue to hurt the people close to me.  Because in a moment of anger and self-imposed desperation, I cannot control my tongue.  I literally (okay not literally) become the angel of darkness himself.

So, here it goes…

I am broken.  I am living out a scenario that I had never planned for my life.  I didn’t go to the school I wanted to go to, I didn’t become the military pilot that I had dreamed of, I didn’t become the actor on television or movies that I had envisioned.  No instead, I did the exact opposite.  And of course the first thing many of you (assuming that anyone reads this at all) will say is that is the past, the future is still unwritten.  But I think we have all seen enough of those people who never quite come to grips with their past and use it as fuel for a re-entry into life.  I know that there have been some, but at this point I cannot see myself as one of those.  So I am stuck.  Admittedly by my own devices.

I have let true friends go by the wayside and replaced them with empty, meaningless things.  I have squandered life and do not feel as though I can use any of the parts to build something better.  And worst of all, I have constantly done things because I wanted to help when it was not helping them or me.  Even in my work I have given and given and accepted that it was best to do even though I was not getting paid compensation for the ‘over and above.’  Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain amount of ‘over and above’ that is good an honorable, but when fear sets in and you think that it is necessary to continue in a working relationship, then you have devalued everything that you are and have.

I really do not know what the answer is, but I had to get this off my chest.  I had to put this out there so that I could in some small way, find the path to begin a remodel in my life.  The past is done.  My only hope for the past is that I can leave it behind me without too much of a dark stain.  That I can let it go with love and compassion and not bring it forward with me.  Make better choices, move forward in a direction that is good for me.  Find a way to share my feelings and fears with someone I trust.

Attempt to right the ship.  So back to the stories of earlier on…

Whether you saw me as the first example, or the second, I am what I am.  I am imperfect.  I at times am very angry, and most times I am very understanding.  And most of my anger has been caused by my own decisions, not by the actions or words of others.

I am searching for peace.  Peace in my own mind (and that IS a double entendre).    

If you took the time to read this….Thank you!