Give me your guns?

This will probably cause a rift on both sides of the fence.  And it is not because I do not know which side to sit on, but because I understand the duality of the problem.  I have to start off with “I own a gun!”  That’s right!  I own a gun.  I don’t have it for the purpose of home protection, I don’t have it to carry with me underneath my shirt in case I am involved in a situation that requires me defending myself or others, and I do not have it for the purpose of robbing someone or causing a situation that will require the police taking my life to save others.  Nope, none of those reasons.  I have one because it is fun to go to the range and fire off rounds into a target.  It is a personal competition to see how good I can shoot and how I can improve on my abilities.  I do not ever want to have to use it to defend myself or someone else.  I do not ever want to take the life of another.  That is not my purpose.

Now on the other side, I think it is insidious to collect guns for the purpose of perpetuating a mass shooting or killing any innocent human beings for any reason.  And I think that there should be regulations in place to better control the distribution of these weapons that are built solely for the purpose of killing as many people in a short amount of time.  I don’t know what that would look like.  I have some ideas, but they are not, nor is any plan, foolproof.

Now for those of you who do not want to bring about any legislation that would curb your right to own guns, you might be tempted to pigeon-hole me right now, but you must continue reading…

We have left the government in control of too much of our lives.  Even though many people cannot see it, our rights as American Citizens have diminished over the decades to where we don’t even realize that they have been taken away.  Our right to choose what is best for us is pretty much extinct.  About the only things that we can claim as freedom is the ability to go to work, make money, and pay the taxes that we owe.  Did you ever wonder why tax reduction plans usually do not have a significant benefit for the middle income earner?  That is because if we are busy at the grind, trying to provide for our families, we are not engaged in actively pursuing our freedoms.

I hate that there are crazies out there that are able to get hold of weapons that can produce the carnage seen in Las Vegas.  But I see the point of the avid gun supporter.  The thing is that very few of you will actually say what it is that bothers you the most about gun control.  I have heard it a time or two, but not as often as I would have thought… You don’t TRUST our Government.  Like I mentioned earlier…many rights have disappeared, and honestly, if that one disappears, there will be even less freedom.

Now switching back to the gun regulation sector…there is not a scenario where we would become like Great Britain.  It is way too late for that.  I agree with my right leaning brethren when they say that most (or better said the majority) of gun owners are law abiding citizens.  They are people that would rise to help a fellow citizen in distress or protect a child from a predator.  There is no reason to take their guns.

Yes I think we need sensible gun laws, but who will agree on what that is without fear of either not being heard, or fear of losing their rights.  Unfortunately we cannot know the minds of people that may potentially snap.  And we writhe with pain to think that 59 people died and hundreds more are wounded.  It is tragic.  As a human I am appalled.  But let’s break it down.  Life is sacred and the life of one person being tragically taken in an event like this is equal to the multitude of lives lost.  Why?  Because that Mother, that Father, that Son, or Daughter is lost to their loved ones forever.  That one family will deal with the tragedy forever.  So if a person were to ‘snap’ and decide to do what this man did, if he had not automatic weapons, but only  a handgun, or only a knife, or only a bow and arrow, a broken bottle, a lead pipe, whatever….and he takes a life, or two, or three, there will be that family somewhere that will always be touched by it.  And there will always be others sympathetic to the families of those lives lost.

The shootings touched me, the loss of life touched me, but not as deeply as it would have had someone I loved been taken.  Guns don’t kill people…people kill people.  People do not need guns to kill people.  There are a lot of Americans that own guns, assault rifles, etc.  They are not out committing crimes with those weapons.  Do they need them?  Probably not!  Should they have them?  I don’t know.  Should we leave it up to the government to decide?  Well, they do not have a great track record of protecting our rights…you decide!

The Noise and the Silence.

Cars driving, rain falling, television playing, texting messages.

The Noise.  The Noise is what keeps the moment at a distance.

The Noise fends off emotions, keeps conscious thought at bay.

The Noise tells us that everything is going to be okay.

The Noise tells us that life will go on.

Powering down devices, traffic wanes, the rain whispers its faint voice

Against the glass, and the television fades to black.

The Silence.  The Silence screams to be heard.

The Silence reminds us of our deepest regrets, our darkest fears.

The Silence is like electricity to our brain, it engages us to reflect.

The Silence tells us that life will never be the same.

I will take the Silence.  I will take the Noise.  I will measure them both

And determine my path.  But decisions made in the Silence, seem foolish against

Noise.  For they do not compliment, they war.  And likewise, decisions made in the Noise

Are doomed with regret in the Silence.

Bring on the tears, bring on the pain and let them come in the Silence, so that in the Noise

They might find their demise, if not at least a moment’s respite.

Leaving...

What was the most difficult thing you have ever had to do?  Something that you knew was the right thing to do, but during the course of manifesting, there were times when you questioned your ability to make sound decisions.  For me?  It’s leaving.

Leaving is not something that I am particularly good at.  In 56 years I have done it 3 times in relationships, a half dozen times in jobs and a handful of times from a particular state.  As in North Carolina, Tennessee, Arizona, etc.  But, if I think about it, it has not really been something for which I can say that I have made a profession.  I AM an amateur!

In just over a day I will be making another such move.  One that encompasses all of the aforementioned methods, or types, of leaving.  Relationship, Job, and State.

The Job was a no-brainer.  More money, more responsibility, better long term investment of my time.  Then the State.  Less easy, since I have wanted to come back to Nashville for years, but as I sit here, day to day, I realize that neither Nashville nor I am the same.  I just don’t get the same things from this wonderful town that I got many a year ago.  And the third, and most difficult thing is the relationship.

For the past 9 years I have been married to a wonderful lady.  Together for over 12.  But somewhere over the past 4+ years I have lost the joy for the relationship.  And in some ways, and not intentionally trying to speak for another, I believe she has too.  Now in public, we were the perfect couple.  People could see that we were happy, in love, and had a zest for life.  And I guess that was in part true, and in part what we wanted to portray.  However, under the surface was a storm that was brewing.  Lack of adequate communications, personal ideals, stubbornness, and lack of understanding of what Love was to the other, made daily life difficult.  Blame and constant disagreements of what our agreements were was, for the most part, a daily part of life.

And then one day it happened.  I snapped.  I came to the brutal and abrupt conclusion that I have had enough of trying to be someone that I wasn’t.  Because, it was the person that I was, trying to get out, that caused all of the problems for me.  Had I been able to be the person that I was trying to portray, then I would have been in a remarkable situation.

Now please understand that everything I am writing here is merely from one perspective.  It is my own account of my situation and that there is a whole other side of it.  And in all honesty I have tried to understand that perspective.  But when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it, we just did not see eye to eye on various and sundry things.  I understood her position, and honor her position, but could not gravitate towards it in a manner that would bring her the joy she sought.

Admittedly there have been a lot of misunderstandings over the years.  But they were never adequately dealt with and therefore became part of the huge wall that was being built between us.  And then suddenly the wall was so high (at least on my side), that I could not scale it, see over it, or walk far enough to get around it.  Nor could I blow it up, because it was so sturdily built.

And now as the hour nears for me to depart all of that seems inconsequential.  For days we have both been in and out of emotional breaks.  One of us will take one and then soon after the other will.  And sometimes they happen at the same time.  But I have decided that my initial reasoning for leaving is just as valid for me as the day I formulated it.

I have been watching and assessing our situation for many years and decided that the main reason that my wife had not been happy had only one common factor.  ME.  So my only way to ensure that she had some chance at a happy life was to remove myself from the equation.  Now that does not mean that do not also benefit from this decision, but I too have not been at my happiest during this time.  So I now move forward believing that this is a win for both of us, even though neither of us knows how.

I am certain that there will be plenty of tears, some hugs, and many regrets, but hopefully that will soon turn to inner peace, love, and understanding.  Because when you love someone it is peace, love, and understanding that you desire for them.  And that has not changed.

All About The Benjamin

I tend to tip-toe around things when it comes to writing blogs.  It’s not done to with any intention to be dishonest or to hide details for the sake of being secretive, but rather to avoid incurring wrath.  For you see when you place too many details in a story or in an explosion of emotional lava, there is always another side to the truth.

And when dealing with the pain and sadness of a relationship ending that truth can often be skewed to garner support or to make me come across as the good guy.  But what if rather than there being a need to be seen as good there was just a sense of sometimes things just end.

When I am on the outside of a relationship and am asked to look in, not as a judge would, but rather as a friend to both parties, I can sometimes sense the strength of that relationship based on social cues, conversations, and how they treat each other.  As well as how the two personalities fit into each other’s space.  And for the most part, I think that emotionally intelligent people do the same. 

I have a friend that recently has gone through a separation and upon looking at his relationship and using my senses I came to the conclusion that this guy was in the wrong relationship for his personality.  Even being around him and his wife was a very toxic experience.  There was little or no symbiosis.  There was a kind and gentle flow from one end and a toxic sludge on the other.   And I, along with others have noticed this and even tended to shy away from couple gatherings because of it.  And for me, someone who is empathic (with little or no conscious control), tends to feel way too much of the negative emotion from a situation like that.

The reason I even share that information is that when people talk about my relationship to me or to my wife, there is generally the sense that people love to be around us. That we are the “perfect couple.”  We are “good” people.  And for the most part, I would agree with that assessment.  Are we perfect?  No.   Do we have individual and couple issues?  Of course, but as people we are good people.  I would never want anyone to think any different, especially about my spouse, but being good people cannot solely sustain a relationship.  Some of the issues can be tough enough in the best of unions to wear you down.  And over time can sever the bond that two people have with each other.

Case in point, what is one of the biggest issues in a relationship that often causes the most tension?  Money.  If one partner doesn’t place the same importance on it as the other, then it will become an underlying reason for the demise of that relationship.  And no matter how the ebb and flow of money weaves through the tenure of that relationship, it is ultimately the degree of importance each places on it that will determine the outcome.

I have not been about the amassing of large sums of money.  Would I like to be rich?  Well, my mind says yes, but my actions say it’s not really that important.  And my wife would love to be rich and for the most part her actions tend towards the desire to be rich.  She has in place practices that would greatly benefit a person of means.  Together, however, we have not built a fortune.  Not even a small amount that people our age generally have at this point in our lives.  And this can be stressful, even when two good people are involved.  And when I look at this to evaluate it, I can see that it falls more to my part.  Universally you cannot have two magnets turned back to back and hold them together.  The will push apart, or one will turn and they will quickly snap together.  They are still magnets, they share the same characteristics, but when the direction they are going is not aligned they cannot build a strong foundation.

Now none of this will make a couple look like a ‘bad’ couple to friends. Unless the couple make it a part of their everyday discourse with the people they meet and share time as friends.  Because how I feel about money does not make me a bad person.  But it might make me a bad fit for certain relationships.  And unless I have a sudden flip of polarity and snap to the other magnet, it will eventually be the wedge that drives us apart.

I am not saying that money is the main, or only, reason that I am now separating myself from my marriage, but it is certainly a large part of what separates us.  And it has become more evident over the last few months. 

If I had the time, and the desire, I am sure that I could delve deeper into the reasons, surface and root, and dissect the entire relationship.  But for you it will not likely be a helpful tool.  It will merely change the way you think about us as individuals.  And there is no benefit to that.  Doing that would cause sides to form.  And all ‘sides’ are is an opportunity for people to express their magnetism to one or the other, when what I would like you to walk away with is a sense that two amazing people with amazing hearts sometimes don’t make it.  And right now…this moment…I don’t think that even those two people recognize it.

The Lion's Share

I am beginning to believe that nobody sees their actions in the true light.

As I come upon the end of a long relationship, it is becoming ever so clear that the reason that two people pull away is not the result of one person being completely intolerable, but rather a lack of reason between them.  And this is not to say that either one is unreasonable.  What it is, is the inability to comprehend the other’s position or point of view. 

After several arguments this past week and being named as the “shitty’ person in the way I approached the ending of the relationship, it has become clear that nothing that I say or do will ever convince her that one person having feelings for another is not enough to sustain the relationship.  Feelings need to translate to actions.  For example you cannot tell someone that you love them and tell them you want it to “work” and then expect the other person to do all the work. Conversely you cannot also tell someone you love them and then do all the work yourself.

But as I have had these several ‘conversations’ there is the usual back and forth that has painted our years together.  Same brush, same paint, same strokes.  There is literally layer upon layer of accusations on both sides that have dominated the conversations over what has been more than a decade.  And the more insidious part is that each of us claim to remember the exact unfolding of every event that marked a milestone of deep seated resentment.  When in fact stories change, alternative facts replace actual facts and both parties claim to have a handle on the true events.

And this is not even considering the differing definitions of what “LOVE” means.  We have both used that word thousands of times and I don’t think either of us was using the same definition.  Because even when using the word it was supported by issues of control, resentment, distrust, mis-communications, literal versus figurative translations, and just a basic difference in what we each define as love.  There are as many definitions as there are practical applications.  And while we each professed our love, what each of us was receiving did not resonate.  For one, doing ‘things’ (acts of goodness or kindness) was not a showing of love, and for the other, guiding hands and teachable moments fell flat.

I will say that there have been many joyous occasions in the past 12 years, and those I would not trade for love nor money, but the hardest times and the times that we were both “out of sync” with each other made the joyous times arrive at lesser intervals.

I was recently re-reading some of the early communications that we shared and noticed that I no longer recognize either of those people in the emails.  More so me than her.  She is fairly consistent with her words and desires, or at least it seems so, but the actual memories of the real life interactions don’t hold the same feelings as the words in print.  And there are far fewer references to actual events and more responses to a particular moment or infraction.  Yet I see the word “Love” used over and over again.  And what really tears me up is the fact that I am now questioning my integrity from so long ago.  Was that how I felt?  Was it really me?  Or was it someone that I wanted to be, or someone that I was trying to be.  The One thing that I do recognize is that it moved way too quickly.  It was a matter of a few weeks from the moment we met in person to where we were professing our love.  In fact in less time than that we were hinting of it.

From these early emails I can also see that there were trouble signs early that I think we chose to ignore.  I see that I was willfully unprepared to be in a new, full-time relationship.  I was still dealing with so many issues of my own that it could not help but carry over into another relationship.  I cannot look back and realistically lay any of the blame for the failure on anyone else but myself.  I was not ready, and instead of taking a step back and evaluating the situation, I fell face forward into it.  I have always been ruled by emotion and not by rationale.  A trait that has resounding consequences if not watched carefully.

But I seem to have gotten off the point.  The point being is that I believe both of us overlooked some important factors early on in the development of the relationship that had they been studied and heeded, we may not have gone forward.  But now, near the end, the hurt, pain, anger, and frustration is exacerbated.  And while one held out hope, the other was hopeless. 

It is truly a sad state of affairs, and even though I have tried to convince her that at some point she will be much better off without me, for now I do not think she can see the truth in it.

I guess that I have to be okay with being the ‘bad guy!’  I have to suck it up and realize that ultimately it is me who has changed, or perhaps reverted.  Not that I am taking the whole weight of the state of things on my own shoulders, but I certainly bear the lions share.

Closing time.

One is not always prepared for change even if they themselves instigate the change.  But the truth is that once you start down a path of dogged determination…you have to follow it through!

Okay, so I was being way too general and putting the responsibility on others by using terms like “one is…” and “they themselves” and “you.”  When I really mean to say I was not prepared, even though I instigated it, and I have to follow it through.

For years now I have been untrue to myself.  I have been making a bed that I reluctantly laid in and made no efforts to change it for the better.  I went along, did the opposite of what my heart was telling me to do, and in the process made life miserable for me and for my wife.  But the time has come to make a decision that, quite frankly, is void of emotion.  Not that I don’t have any emotions where this is concerned, but am rather full up with them, but the emotions have been what has stopped me from moving forward.

In my heart of hearts I believe that I have been responsible for the lack of success that either my wife, Cynthia, or I have had over the past 12 years.  When I met Cynthia she was a successful business person that was heading in a good direction for her life, and instantly upon my arrival that began to change.  And I believe the reason for that is my inability to communicate with her on her level.  And conversely, I left any desires or ambitions that I had at the front door.

Now that doesn’t mean that I didn’t have some success over time.  I ended up with a good paying radio gig, but when the pressure was applied, I gave into the pressure.  I wasn’t strong enough, secure enough, or committed enough to my own success, to do what I thought was right and so I went along.

It is a pattern of behavior that I have become all too familiar with over my lifetime.  Not just in this relationship, but in all my important relationships.  I bought into the idea that it was good to “go with the flow” and good things would happen.  And in some respects they did.  I have had some really good things cross my path, and have had some great opportunities, but they were all brought about by my doing the opposite of what my heart told me was best for me.

So I began to wonder what would happen if I decided to follow my heart instead of my mind?  Well that is an interesting concept.  I know a lot of people that have done that over time and they seem to be happy people.  So hell, why not give it a try.

Now many people will not understand the situation, and some will call it a mid-life crisis, but it is far from that.  And as far as understanding, it is not up to others to understand what I am doing.  It is only up to me to know that I am doing what is right for me.  And people that know me can be supportive, or they can just go away.

Now when it comes to personal stuff, I am not a big proponent of sharing.  I like to keep my personal life private, but sometimes I just need to blurt out my mistakes.  Now usually it is to one person and not a crowd, but I feel pretty sure that this blog will not reach the audience in masses.

For several years now we have been struggling with our relationship.  Now from the outside looking in we seemed like the perfect couple to most.  In fact we often heard that from friends.  And while we have had many good times and great moments, there were also dark times, sadness, anger, and pain.  And more so in the last couple of years.  I resented having to move (but I did it), I resented moving again (but I did it), and I resented moving again (but I did it again).  And make no mistake!  I was at choice in each of these moves.  There is no blame to be put on anyone else but me.  But this resentment over moving was also flowing over into every aspect of the relationship between Cynthia and me.  So much so that intimacy was a thing of the past.  Conversations were shallow and protective.  And I began to feel myself pull back, even more than I had in previous years.

Upon arrival in Nashville I believe that we both had realized that there was nothing left.  Now we still claim to love one another, but it was not like before.  In fact, Cynthia even recently commented to me that she believed the move to Nashville would ultimately end our relationship.  And it seems as though that prophecy is being fulfilled.

For some time now we have been living in the same house, but in different rooms.  Separated, but not financially solvent enough for either of us to branch out on our own.  Cynthia is working on building her Real Estate Business, and I am awaiting a move to a new position with my work, but it has been hampered by FCC delays.  So we have both been under a great deal of stress trying to cohabitate with strong feelings about the demise of the relationship tucked just under the cuffs of our sleeves.

In addition there have been some trust issues with us in the past and several times not Cynthia has asked me if I had “other interests.”  Meaning was there another woman or women with whom I was communicating?  Well the simple answer is no.  In fact I told her that I had no desire to date anyone, have sex with anyone or establish a relationship with any one new.

But here is the thing.  One night, dark and alone in my room, my mind began to wonder if there was anyone out there with whom I could be friends?  And JUST friends.  Someone to have a cup of coffee with.  So alone in the room I downloaded the Tinder app.  I had it on my phone for about 3 days total and had one conversation.  And then I realized that this was crazy.  This wasn’t me.  It wasn’t fulfilling any need in me.  So I deleted my account and let that part of me go. 

Strangely enough though is that almost two weeks later (in this town of a million plus) Cynthia gets a phone call from someone who had seen me on Tinder.  And it was very embarrassing for her…which I completely understand.  And when I explained to her like I just did above, it did not seem to help.  But it was true.  I was no more interested in meeting some strange person for coffee than I was with having coffee with some established friends.  (sorry to any friends who may read this…it’s not that I wouldn’t have coffee with you it’s just that I am in a very funky place and it would not be a good time for you!)

So I was encouraged to file for divorce and move this thing along.  So be it.

I never imagined myself in this position again, but here I am.  And the worst part is that it is causing someone I care about a lot of pain.  To which I can only hope that one day she will see it as the perfect thing and a true blessing.  Like the song says:

Closing time 
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end!

Letter to a friend

To one of my oldest and dearest friends,

It has become apparent that the years have done more than grey us.  They have also jaded us, and, conversely, like a tumblers drum they have even worn off some of the rough edges.  And rough edges can be to our benefit at times.  Our sharp points can sometimes defend us from the barrage of unwanted threats that confront us in the world.  I know that the conventional wisdom is that a smooth stone has weathered the roughest rapids and is gentler and allows the water to pass without a rapid, but many a gentle ripple. But it can also make us complacent to the rushing waters.  There is a Buddhist thought that says (paraphrase) to go with the flow, but this is an incomplete thought.  It is chaos and fear that we must allow to flow smoothly over us while being diligent in kindness and compassion no matter what the cost.

As I look at our relationship over the years, we have shared little or no such chaos between us.  Certainly we have had our share in our own separate worlds, but now it seems as though outside influences have permeated a life of love and shared respect.  Neither of us were always perfect, nor were we saddled with the weight of the world’s issues, but current times are showing me that I still have some rough edges.  Edges that will not allow me to tolerate fear and tolerance toward hatred, bigotry, or religious persecution.

The saddest thing, from my perspective, is that we are not now divided by ideology, which I could embrace, were that the only issue, but we have embraced paths that are diametrically opposed.  One path that is filled with hatred, bigotry, and religious persecution.  And that is troubling to me because I do not see you as having any of those traits.  I know you as loving, compassionate, kind, and generous.  Yet you have aligned with a movement that, at its core, has none of those traits.

I will always have hope that the situation will right itself and that love will prevail, but I must also defend myself from the anger and hatred, and in turn not display that in my emotions and actions.  This is difficult for me, because in coming from a point of love I must compassionately dole it out to all, and not just those with whom I agree.

I remember when I was steeped in the Fundamentalist doctrine and would spout the book of Romans when it came to Homosexuality, Corinthians when it came to Adultery, and Timothy when it came to condemning Catholics.  And I would Judge others because of righteous indignation.  But I learned that you truly cannot “hate the sin” and “love the sinner.”  Because if you break it down biblically, we are all sinners and our sins are equally judged by God.  So it reverts to love in the positive, and eliminate the fears surrounding the negative.

I have difficulty in finding the source of all of this hatred and bigotry. I look at the past 8 years and I cannot see the origin of all the hatefulness towards the previous Administration.  Were there wrong turns?  Yes.  Were there things with which I did not agree?  Absolutely!  But in my heart of hearts am I better for it?  Without a doubt. 

People on a certain side of this new era we are rushing into have seen the past 4 years as something horrible.  As an affront to their existence.  And from what I can see the largest mass of people come from three places.  Ones who believe that whites are the true inheritors of the U.S.  The millionaires who did not quite make as many millions as they wanted, and the wannabes who believed that they didn’t make enough because they were held in check by a black president.  And while that may be over simplifying it, there is enough evidence for me to make such a claim.

But I left one group out, and on purpose, because I do not want to believe for a moment that it is a factor, but yet to deny it would be to blindly look away.  Men and women who believe that Jesus is their Lord and Savior, have battled against love and have taken up arms to defend the fear, bigotry, and hatred of others based on their beliefs, their lifestyles, and their countries of origin.  And this, for me is the tipping point (as if the rest wasn’t enough).

My dear friend, I have loved you unconditionally since we met.  Our lives have intersected in many ways over the years, and while we have not always been close in miles, my heart has been connected to you and has not, even for the briefest of periods, abated.  I know that there is nothing I can say or do to change your current ideology, but I can continue to love.  I cannot continue to be inundated by the hatefulness you have surrounded yourself.  I truly believe that this is not you at your core, but fear has crept in and taken you away.  I can only hope that it is but for the briefest of moments.

Perhaps there will once again be a time when we find ourselves walking the same path.  My wish for you is peace, love, and joy in the absence of fear.

G.

Dear Facebook Friend/Trump Supporter,

I awoke this morning with a new vigor.  Brought on by the fact that I have listened and macerated on the events of the last week and realized that there is no amount of justification that I can conceive for this current situation that has manifested.  And in watching events unfold I have made another stark realization.  I no longer have the stomach for angry interaction and blatant disregard for human decency.

I have told myself every positive thing that I can think of to warrant continuing in friendships that are not healthy for me.  “We have a history,”  “We have been friends since school.” “You are a good person.”  The list is long and not necessary for action at this point.  But the answer that I have come up with is that in order to actually be friends I have to actually break down what being a “friend” means to me.

I decided to start at the most common of places: The dictionary.

Miriam Webster defines friend in several ways.

1.       One attached to another by affection or esteem.

2.       One that is not hostile.

3.       A favored companion

There are other, more loose, definitions, but this was a good starting place for me.  First off let me say that for years many of you have been my friends without really knowing my political or religious beliefs.  You never asked, never seemed to care, or it just wasn’t important enough to make a deal out of it.  And similarly, I have not made a big deal of my beliefs politically or religiously.  To me it is just not that important.

So what exactly does it mean to be a friend in my eyes?

First and foremost we have to have something in common that brought us together.  And that cannot be a piece of software.  I saw something in you and you saw something in me that made us say, this person is cool I want to get to know them.  Now unfortunately what I have learned is that having gone to the same school is not necessarily an instant requisite for friendship.  I went to my first 12 years of school surrounded by Catholics and indoctrinated by the Catholic ideology.  And you would think that the goodness and charity of the Catholic faith would be a good foundation.  But what I have learned is that many (NOT ALL) of my Catholic classmates have become caustic, mean-spirited, and think that being Catholic is a free pass on the Right-wing Express!  Conversely, my next several years were spent steeped in Fundamentalist, Far-right leaning, religious education and the few friends that I still have from that experience are some of the most compassionate, thoughtful and loving humans I know.  It sometimes weirds me out thinking about it, but I have resigned myself that this is the way of the world.

As you can see, commonality is not in itself a reason to be friends, but it is one aspect.

Second, there has to be an amount of respect that is shared.  And that respect can be reflected in a willingness to listen to each other even when our beliefs do not match.  This is a tricky point.  Because in order for me to respect you, and vice-versa, we have to intelligently, articulately, and compassionately explain our beliefs.  And in order to do this, we have to be educated.  Educated in our beliefs.  We can’t be throwing up on Facebook because we saw a meme, that albeit may be funny, is at its core false, misleading, or hurtful to a whole group of people.  So often in the past year I have seen a reposting of an actual event (from a news source, activist group, or idiot) that takes a statement out of context or changes a word in a phrase that completely changes the meaning and makes it a complete falsehood.  It is then reposted by a ‘friend’ as a ‘real’ story.  And at first I go ‘omg, how horrible!’  And then I go to the source of the meme and find that it is not actually what happened, but a sensationalistic re-transcribing of an event with new verbiage to promote a certain skew of reality.  And suddenly, there goes respect out the window.  Because you did not educate yourself before posting it.  And I do not remove myself from this phenomenon, I have actually done it myself.  But I have also taken it down when I realized my mistake.

Third, you have to be able to state your case without being demeaning, disrespectful, condescending, belligerent, or berating of others.  If you express yourself with kindness and thoughtfulness towards those who may not share your beliefs, then I can accept that as an effort to educate rather than pompously placing yourself above others.

And lastly, we have to like each other even when our beliefs are diametrically opposed to each other.  And the only way for that to exist is for the other three on the list to be in full effect. 

I don’t ever want to be the person who unfriends someone for their beliefs because they are opposed to mine, but I damn sure will unfriend someone because they are acting in a hateful, disrespectful way towards me or others on my list.  If you want to be a belligerent asshole, then go be a belligerent asshole somewhere else.  Do me the favor of defriending me so that I at least know you have some integrity.  Because if you don’t?  I will do it for you.  And it doesn’t matter if we have known each other all of our lives, or had some common event that drew us together, or that we are aware of intimate details of each other’s lives.  If you decide to lash out and be that person that most people hate to see on Facebook, then ‘click’ you are gone.

I have decided to remove those negative people from my life, instead I am focusing on passionate people that intelligently know how to express themselves.

Now hear is the one caveat.  If you are a fervent sycophant of “The Donald” we are not likely to find common ground in being friends.  And that is not because I have a bent towards Clinton or other, former candidate.  It is because of the destructive nature of this individual.  And if you truly cannot see it, then you certainly do not fit in any of the previous categories.  Now notice that I did not say if you voted for “The Donald” or agree with him on some of his campaign issues.  That is a whole other post! Many good people were duped by his rhetoric.

I have always been tolerant, to a point, of other ideologies.  That is how I have grown through the ages.  But it is my opinion that I have always been able to Snope out the craziness of something and glean the sensibility from it.  Perhaps I am deceived, but I will continue to be deceived if it means caring about the world and its occupants more than the differences that tend to separate us.

We may have been friends, once.  We may continue to be friends.  But it is in your hands too!

I know that it sounds corny, especially coming from a closet introvert that can at times seem like he doesn’t like people all that much, but the truth is that I love people.  I just do not wish to surround myself with the ones that lack intelligence.

Peace.

Brutally honest...

Brutal, Honest, Raw.

This is in no way intended for purposes of instruction or advice.  When you see the word “you”  I am actually saying “Me” and when you see the word “We” I am actually saying “I”.  it’s often the way “we” phrase things that get us into trouble.

If someone says that they need to be brutally honest with you and then begin to run you through a ringer of what they perceive to be the truth about you, how do you feel?  With me it depends on how accurate they are in their portrayal.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it cathartic, sometimes you brush it off and tell yourself that “they really don’t know the real me!”

But in the realm of fiction versus truth the worst kind of brutal honesty is when the time comes when we have to confront ourselves and tell the truth.

Now since I am the one preparing to come clean with myself (yet blog it for anyone to read) I will first tell this tale…

Take a person from the media that has a light shining on them year after year.  Perhaps they have earned the reputation of being difficult, hateful at times, and a pretty nasty individual.  You have painted a picture of who you perceive this person to be.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, this person goes to a hospital where victims of a shooting have been taken and visits each of the victims individually, taking pictures when requested, offering sincere compassion, and generally being a loving caring soul.

What now?  What has changed in your mind in that brief moment?  Is it perhaps you have not really known this person?  Does this person get a pass on his perceived persona?  If you are like me, you begin to see that while people are often guarded with themselves (be it celebrity or next door neighbor), there is often redeeming qualities that make this person special.

Now on the opposite side, there is a person who has worked over decades in the limelight, building relationships, getting kudos from every turn, helping other celebrities combat horrible demons and then suddenly falls victim to a demon of his own and in a moment of alcohol fueled rage spews angry hurtful speech and is thrust aside by the very community he has dedicated his life to support.

And Now?  How do you feel about that person?  Have you decided that what they said is a true picture of what they are feeling deep down inside?  Do you hold it over their head like a thunder cloud that follows them even through the brightest of days?

I ask you to think about this because I am one of those types.  Or both of those types.  Yet without the celebrity.

As recently as yesterday evening I fell victim to myself.  I took all of the emotions that I have been feeling over the past 12, plus 18, plus 5, plus 4, or 39 of the past 56 years, and exploded them into a house filled with tension. 

Yes, that’s right, I lost it.  And I would love to say that it was the first time, but that would be a lie.  It happens when I begin to feel that I have lost control over my own life.  When I begin to see that the choices I have made have left me personally dwarfed.  When I allow others to make my decisions for me and take no responsibility for allowing that to happen.  Basically, in that moment, I am not a good person.  Regardless of what you may believe about me.  Whatever the perception is you have about me is likely not accurate.  And the main reason for that is that I have had no desire for people to see me as I really am.  Human.  I have hidden the dark places of my soul and tried to fill them with light.  Positive affirmations, compassionate facebook posts, personal quotations bolstering support for many a cause.  Is it all a lie?  Am I attempting to be deceitful in my speech?  No, I don’t think so, but then I have never really spoken aloud about it.  At least not to anyone who would understand.

So back to the previous evening.  I have no earthly idea how to express myself in a way that gets my desired result.  My desired result is always an understanding of my feelings.  I have tried just about everything I can think of to tell someone how I am feeling just so that person is informed.  I often times just want to speak aloud and have the person with whom I am sharing this with just nod, say they understand, and ask what can I do?

I am horrible, however, with the immediate retaliative (new word) comeback that becomes lighter fluid on an already burning charcoal fire.  Because then it escalates and I become mean, hateful, spewing everything that has ever bothered me about the situation/relationship that I am in.  Any ounce of blame that I can find to cut through the deepest part of the soul will I fling until I suddenly wake up and realize that none of this can be taken back.  And no amount of “I’m sorry, or forgive me” will ever return the relationship back to a kinder, gentler time.

I have been this way my entire adult life.  The moment I began making decisions because I thought it was what was expected, rather than what I needed to do for myself.  And the 3 main principals or recipients of this hatefulness have been the three women with whom I have spent the majority of my adult life.  Thus the 12, 18, 5 comment earlier.

Now while I understand the foundation of the meaning of the concept of love, I have realized that my idea of love was not the same as those with whom I have been in relationship.  I am not going to tell stories because it would not be fair to them, but I will say that I have attracted people with issues of their own.  Oh, I know, everyone has issues, and that is true, but I have attracted people with almost the exact same issue, but with different back stories.

Do not misunderstand me, this is in no way a reflection on them.  Like me, they have kind and gentle spirits, a desire to love and be loved, and similarly strong spirits. 

I know you have heard the analogy of a square peg, round hole?  That is not the case.  It is more like two square pegs trying to get into the same round hole at the same time.

Nonetheless, I have found out the truth.  Okay, I have known the truth for some time, but I have been reluctant to speak it out loud or to share it with anyone, but something happened last night that made me realize that I cannot continue to hurt the people close to me.  Because in a moment of anger and self-imposed desperation, I cannot control my tongue.  I literally (okay not literally) become the angel of darkness himself.

So, here it goes…

I am broken.  I am living out a scenario that I had never planned for my life.  I didn’t go to the school I wanted to go to, I didn’t become the military pilot that I had dreamed of, I didn’t become the actor on television or movies that I had envisioned.  No instead, I did the exact opposite.  And of course the first thing many of you (assuming that anyone reads this at all) will say is that is the past, the future is still unwritten.  But I think we have all seen enough of those people who never quite come to grips with their past and use it as fuel for a re-entry into life.  I know that there have been some, but at this point I cannot see myself as one of those.  So I am stuck.  Admittedly by my own devices.

I have let true friends go by the wayside and replaced them with empty, meaningless things.  I have squandered life and do not feel as though I can use any of the parts to build something better.  And worst of all, I have constantly done things because I wanted to help when it was not helping them or me.  Even in my work I have given and given and accepted that it was best to do even though I was not getting paid compensation for the ‘over and above.’  Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain amount of ‘over and above’ that is good an honorable, but when fear sets in and you think that it is necessary to continue in a working relationship, then you have devalued everything that you are and have.

I really do not know what the answer is, but I had to get this off my chest.  I had to put this out there so that I could in some small way, find the path to begin a remodel in my life.  The past is done.  My only hope for the past is that I can leave it behind me without too much of a dark stain.  That I can let it go with love and compassion and not bring it forward with me.  Make better choices, move forward in a direction that is good for me.  Find a way to share my feelings and fears with someone I trust.

Attempt to right the ship.  So back to the stories of earlier on…

Whether you saw me as the first example, or the second, I am what I am.  I am imperfect.  I at times am very angry, and most times I am very understanding.  And most of my anger has been caused by my own decisions, not by the actions or words of others.

I am searching for peace.  Peace in my own mind (and that IS a double entendre).    

If you took the time to read this….Thank you!