The Asparagas Separation

 As a child, I can only imagine that my memories are a bit skewed by circumstances, lack of available perspective, and the utter lack of understanding the triggers my parents brought to each life event that i personally experienced.  It was 1972, i was 11 years old.  My parents, particularly my mother, would complain that we had little, and at times just a few years earlier only $.20 in the checking account, yet as i sat at the kitchen counter of our 2nd home in Tucson awaiting dinner I did not know what was about to transpire.  My sister, Joanne, was also joining us that evening.  I believe the main dish was pork chops, but on the counter sat a can of vegetables.  Asparagus!

Now it may be hard to believe, but at 11 years old I have no memory of ever eating asparagus before, but I do have a memory of the taste of it, so it must have happened, or perhaps the smell was enough to dissuade me.  

Dad was at the sink, back to me, and was washing something or perhaps preparing the breading for the pork.  Mom was opening a can of asparagus when i exclaimed (blurted out, casually announced, vehemently opposed - I leave all possibilities open) that I did not like asparagus and that I was not going to eat it.  It was then I experienced something that I have never before seen:  A well of volcanic lava in the form of verbal frustration exploded from my mom (now i will admit, it may have been a little less explosive but the following events make me say no)

The parental go to, from mom, started with the obligatory "When I was a child, we ate what was put before us."

then the childlike response of "I am not eating it!"

"Then you will go to your room and get nothing!"

That is all that i remember of the conversation, but I remember resigning to my room.  There was then some conversation in the kitchen that i was not privy to and a bag was packed and mom was gone.  She had left the house and gone to the Spears' house.  Everett and Iris, a much older couple than my parents and friends that were customers of one of the restaurants that my parents owned.  it was the last time I would see my mom for about 3 months.  and it was now summer time.  School was out and I was hanging out with dad at our other restaurant, the MCW (Museum Chuck Wagon) "The Restaurant."

This is only the second time I had seen cracks in the familial foundation, the other was a night that my father stormed out of the house (back when we only had one), but was only gone for about an hour before calling and begging to come home.  He was not as determined as my mother, or perhaps not as willing to fin for himself.  Mom, on the other hand, was Mrs. Determined.  after spending the weekend at the Spears, we learned that she had moved back into the house out in the desert.  for the next three months I am not sure what conversations my parents had, but there was obviously some renconciling going on, because by the time school resumed, all had returned to normal.

As an adult, I can look back at that time and realize that my place in what happened was a minor nuisance compared to things I was unaware were happening, but it did remind me that children often see things for what their involvement was and that carries on into adulthood and how they then react to circumstances.  And with that deeper understanding, I also realized that my mother and father were carrying their own triggers.  The only way to avoid those types of altercations is through learning, Unfortunately the learning usually comes after the event.  and after the can of Asparagus is opened.

Well, well, well, so how have you been?

Fine, thanks for asking.  it has been a while since I spent time to specifically write something for the blog, in fact I often dismiss the feeling of "need" because I am the only one who truly knows of its existence, but just for shits and giggles, I thought I would catch myself up on what I have been doing.

After a very bitter divorce, but well worth the freedom that followed, i returned to the Oregon Coast at the behest of my former boss, Jon Thompson.  You see after flitting around the country following a broken spirit, I decided to do what was best for me.  I don't often think about taking care of myself, but then I get a little bitter when i find myself in the position of "having" to think of others.  That is some pretty inane thinking when I step back and objectively look at it.

So anyway, I packed up all my belongings from my Mount Juliet, Tennessee residence and headed back to Oregon.  It was quite a prophetic thing that happened.  On the day that I pronounced that I was "finished" being manipulated, the phone rang -not more than an hour later-.  It was my predecessor, Bob.  He informed me that he was quitting and that I could expect a call from Jon inquiring of my current situation.  I thanked Bob and hung up the phone.  30 minutes later it rang again.  It was Jon.  Job offer, quick turn around (three weeks) and I had to be in my seat at the station, ready to go by May 1st.  

This was going to take some divine providence to make happen.  Afterall I had just dropped the divorce bombshell and she was not too happy about it.  I had to file for divorce, get an agreement with my soon to be ex...promise her a butt load of money, and find a way to get back to Oregon with little or no money in my pocket.  Not a big deal.  Been there, done that, and was better off and I knew that this time would be no different.  So I went to work on it.

The biggest difficulty was talking to my then boss, Tony Didier.  You see, I had just been offered the GM position at the new radio station that I had spent the last three months remodeling: WHIN.  The plan was for me to take over the morning show, do news, day to day operations and the rest.  I had committed to the job, but when the phone rang and Jon gave me the details of what I would be earning, it far exceeded what WHIN was offering with half the responsibility.  Added to that that there was the possibility that I would remain in the same town as my ex... and no way was I up for that.  So I broke the news to Tony.  Long story, long... I made all the deals I needed to make, filed the papers I needed to file, rented the truck and car dolly and waved goodbye to the town that I have loved since my youth (ok, since my late 20's).

In a side note, I had agreed to pay my ex $1650.00 a month for 13 months. and pay half of her tuition bill that she had accrued during our marriage.  Fine, no problem.  I knew that the money I would be making would more than allow for that to happen...more on that later.

So I said my goodbyes, hit the road and headed west.  by this time I had about 7 days left before my deadline and i knew that if I wanted to start from a successful advantage, I should arrive a few days early to at least have time with my predecessor to glean what I could from him.  So I beelined for the coast.  I arrived on April 27th of 2017 (an interesting date to be explored later) and I had prearranged living quarters through Tim Sapp at TR Hunter Real Estate.  It was all coming together.  Got to my work, acclimated to the office climate and hit the ground running.  WHEW!  did I say Whrilwind?  I certainly meant to.

The next 12 months were the most difficult 12 months that I can remember, not because of the job, but because of the ex.  I had to block nearly everyone that was a friend of hers that also accumulated over time, because she was starting a Russian-like incursion into my life that consisted of half-truths and some outright lies.  Then there was the financial aspect, while not a burden it was a fight.  I will go back to my "more on that later" segment.

According to the documents signed before a judge and submitted to the courts in Tennessee I had agreed to pay spousal support of $1650.00 a month for 13 months.  Enough to allow her to pay rent and utilities for over a year.  she would just have to provide food and car insurance and gas.  I began paying the money on June first meaning that my last payment would be on June 1st equaling 13 months.  Well, she did not see it that way.  the finalized divorce papers were not signed by a judge until July 7th, which she decreed entitled her to a 14th month of support.  There were threatening letters, texts, phony lawyer letters (or maybe real) demanding another payment of $1650.00.  HA!  I could tell that I was not concerned by the way I argued through the situation.  You see the documents only said 13 payments, not 13 payments from the date of the divorce decree.  It took some time, but she finally quit harassing me after a few demands to cease and desist.  Despite my consistent adherence to the decree she refused to let me abide by the decree and constantly accused me of breaking the agreement, however the court saw it differently.  It was a slow process, but the nasty posts on Facebook quietly calmed down to vague references of her ex rather that the spewing out of my name.  Friends came out in my defense and even shared personal private conversations that painted an entirely different light.

I still have some of the emails back and forth and as I read them I see the different realities we were both living in.  Quite a shame honestly.

enough for now.  If you want to read more, just ask.  

Hard Feelings

 

It is difficult at times for me to have compassion for those who determine to wreak havoc with their words.  Today was the passing of a very controversial figure in media and as i scrolled through many of the posts on social media I noticed friend after friend being compassionate.  Many, I believe, because they were on the same side of the fight as the person who died.  I immediately looked to see how many likes they had regarding their post and made a mental note of the individuals that agreed with the sentiment.  I have often said that i would not judge a friend for having different beliefs than me, but that does not mean that I will put myself in a position to argue the point.  I find it senseless to engage in political or religious debate because I will not change their way of thinking, nor will they mine.  It's set.  That program in my brain has chummed through all the data and added the wisdom of years and cemented my position.  My politics and religious choices will not differ.  That is not the same as an education though.  I am very open to learning new things and hearing new ideas...if they are truly new.  but rehashing the old is not something with which i want to waste my time.  Give me a new discovery in medicine, enlighten me about the cosmos, update me on the latest technology...my ears are open.  The rest?  Keep to yourself.  Bring me joy, love, peace, and happiness.  Leave your pettiness, hate filled speech,  and conspiracies behind.

The End Game

 As I sit behind my desk and contemplate the final hours of our current president a thought stumbled through my brain:  What if the Pardon/Commutation aspect of the presidency was his End Game.  What if all along he was waiting for the end so that he could protect some of the people that either supported him, or had "something" on him.  I know that is sounds crazy, but as I looked at the previous list of people that he pardoned, I didn't see a whole lot of wrongfully accused.  I saw Wall Street Cheaters, Drug Dealers, Murder suspects, etc.  There were no socially significant individuals.  Not that former President Obama didn't have a share of equally questionable people on his list, but he also righted some injustices along the way a feat that has yet to materialize with the Trump list.  But that should be known shortly.

The state of things...

 It is probably good that I have the job that I have.  Everyday I look at the news and try to glean stories that relate a factual message without adding my own bias.  It is normally an easy thing to do, and thankfully I work in news at a local and regional level.  If I were someone who had to report the current national situation, I might find that my integrity would come in question.  I get so frustrated watching events unfold and then watching everyone react to them.  Left side, Right side, the ones in the middle all wanting people to believe in their causes.  And when mainstream media portrays them you rarely, if ever see mainstream America represented.  you see the country as it has been fractional-ized.  You see the dreads and the downtrodden.  You see people that are upset with their lot in life and rather than try to do something to make it better, they find someone to blame for it all.  Then comes along a leader, that for all intent and purpose, is one of them.  At least in words and deeds.  Someone who knows how to manipulate for his own purpose.  And at first he comes across as a beacon of light, a distraction from the norm for which we have grown accustomed,  but a closer look and cracks begin to appear in the shiny bright picture that has been painted.  it happens slowly over time, not that many of us didn't notice it, but so many were oblivious, because he spoke as one of them.  He used their rhetoric and their vernacular and he became the voice of the disenfranchised.  He brought out the bias and prejudice and flaunted it before the nation.  He was foul, uncouth, and any reverence he had was self-directed.

I know that many of my friends supported, and many still support, him without regard to his behavior or his twisting of the truth, or outright lies created from his own mind.  They didn't see his character based on the company he kept, the people he surrounded himself with, and many who knew him, perhaps didn't know the real him.  The celebrities that spoke highly of him were in a circle all their own.  Because He craved adoration, so he acted in a way that made others adore him.  And the ones that did speak out were vilified in public forums, ridiculed over social media platforms and called 'stupid' or 'idiot'.

We have seen the worst of human nature in the recent past, and I am afraid that the future holds more of the same, even in His absence.  Others will take his lead and build upon the rubble left in his wake.  I would pray for redemption, but i fear we are far removed from that.  I will pray, however, that my words are not a prediction of a future dark and filled with the socially unconscious.

A Teachable Moment

A Teachable Moment.

As a young man, growing up in the desert southwest, I was not privy to some of the prejudices that permeated the nation...Wait, yes I was.  I was just not aware at that time in my youth as to the effect prejudices had on those whom prejudices were being inflicted.  I can remember telling off color jokes against every race, culture, and socio-economic class.  I never once thought of the effect I might be having against those groups or individuals.  I then moved to South Carolina when I was 18 to go to Bob Jones University.  It was a religious institution, but at the time it was still filled with the racial prejudices for which the south was well-known for identifying.  It had been less than 10 years since they allowed their first black student on campus and interracial dating was not permitted.  It was during my college education that I began to see a change in myself.  At first I was following the college's line and justifying their reasoning behind their prejudices, using bible versus to support their beliefs, but I began to work in local restaurants and worked along side a diverse group of people, people of different races, different and alternative lifestyles, and economic status.  This is where my growth potential, I believe, had the advantage over those who were born and raised in the south.  I didn't have the history ingrained into my psyche that would prevent or inhibit me from learning.

For example, in high school in Arizona I went to school with one, maybe two black families. In South Carolina I worked with a large population of blacks, as well as those who lived alternative lifestyles and I began to see that prejudices were a result of a lack of education on my part, because when you work with a group of people, you begin to see the human side of prejudice and how it negatively effects them.  It also taught me that prejudice is not always a result of how people view differences, but how prejudice actually influences those differences.  How you may perceive the way a person acts may actually be a direct result of prejudice.  I would hear whites say things like, "you haven't had to live with them your whole life, you don't know what they're like."  But then speaking with another person who has been affected by prejudice who says "my race has been minimalized for the last several hundred years" I began to see why the clashes cut so deep.

So moving ahead to more recent events, things once again arise that make it necessary for me to re-evaluate.  I have come to learn that people that have been distanced from the direct result of prejudice don't necessarily have the same take on prejudicial things.  People that I have met, and had specific conversations with, on the west coast don't necessarily get the "big deal" of the Confederate Flag.  They haven't had to look at the systemic problem in the same way that someone from the south, or even the northeast in some cases, look at it.  And don't get me wrong, I certainly understand the argument that says we have a right to fly a flag, whatever flag, but we also have a social responsibility, that unfortunately was not written into a constitution, that says we must exhibit the human decency that respects all life.

I, for one, am a living testament to change on this issue.  I am thankful that my children have had parents that look past race and other stereotypes to see individuals instead of color, lifestyle, and economic status.

Am I free of prejudice?  No, not in the least.  It is in human nature to pre-judge, the beautiful part of it, though, is when you educate yourself and make new judgments based on personal knowledge.  For I have found, that when I familiarized myself with an issue I come away with a much more balanced view.  Broaden your views…or not, but at least understand something's complete influence on society and not just how your little corner of the world sees it.

My 2 cents.

No reminiscing...

I woke up this morning from a dream.  I usually wake up that way.  More often than not it is a dream that spirits me awake.  Sometimes it's a good dream, and sometimes it's a dream that I wish I didn't have.  But this morning it was not the dream that stirred me.  It was my mind.  I awoke beside the woman that I had no idea existed.  Never thought that I had the luck to bring someone so wonderful into my life.  Okay, let me take that back.  I always knew that it was possible, but I never had the patience to wait out a relationship to see if it was actually going to work.

And here is why.  I have spent my entire adult live reliving the past.  Thinking about what might have been instead of letting go and focusing on the future that lie ahead.  It was not until the finality of my previous marriage did i realize that failure in the present actually came from not being "present."  For had I been an active participant in my own life, I would have made different choices.  And at the same time I find that I cannot belittle those choices, because, well, here I am.

Spending a lifetime with "what ifs" and "if only's" is counterproductive.  But practicing what you know is not always as easy as burying your head in what might have been.

I have always been a "go with the flow" kind of guy.  I never had a long list of needs and wants that i had to accomplish this lifetime, I just wanted to live life happily, and even though my circumstances were not always optimal, I personally was happy.  I would take the hard moments for what they were and move ahead.  Sometimes slowly and sometimes full speed ahead.

The only thing that I did know was that there was an emptiness that sometimes crept in when I was missing love in my life.  Love, that I learned, did not come from being with someone, but rather came from within me.  And when I finally figured that out, the emptiness went away.  It was also the time when the one that shares my life with me showed up.  I wasn't looking for it, per se, but there it was.  perfect in all imperfections.

It was when I put to bed the reminiscing of what I thought my life would be, and focused on where I was at the moment that things started manifesting.  And to an abundance.

Thankful, Grateful, Blessed.